March Archives

March 31st

Bottoms up
Dont drink and PK - 9:40 pm EST [Greybeard]

sonoma.jpg (63223 bytes) Pic courtesy of Griffyn, guess where he plays?

And he's outta here
Best of luck to ya my man - 9:35 pm EST [Greybeard]

With a heavy heart I have to bid farewell to my main mofo Zander over at the Warcouncil. Tired of the ceaseless waves of BS from OSI coupled with real life commitments, the Z man has decided to take a permanent vacation. Be sure to visit the Warcouncil and read his closing thoughts.

March 30th

A blast from the past
All that and a bag of chips - 5:45 pm EST [Greybeard]

By popular demand I am making available some classic UOEVIL.COM material. Enjoy!

Beavis does UO - One of my first wav. files. In this episode we hear our hero's Beavis and Butthead battling a  daemon.

(Thanks to Dave over at the PK Palace for finding this baby again)

Fluffy the PK Chicken - Another classic wav. file, Fluffy lays the smack down.

Fluffy the PK Chicken Game II - Action packed sequel to the #1 PKing poultry simulation.

Fluffy Extreme
You cant very well PK without cheats can you?- 5:45 pm EST [Greybeard]

For those of you who played Fluffy the PK Chicken part 1 or 2 and never made it to the ending we have a special treat for you (the end is the best part, especially of Fluffy II) Cheat Codes!

*Note* All cheat codes are caps sensitive!

KillemAll This one allows you to kill all remaing counselors, GMs or Newbies on the screen
At any point during the game hit enter, type KillemAll and hit enter again. If done correctly you will quickly be taken to the boss of that stage or the end screen.

Classic For those of you who missed it or just loved it too much this code allows you to go back and play fluffy 1
On the title screen type Classic and hit enter. If you hear the evil laugh then you did it correctly and you can hit F2 to start the game.

IHateNewbies For those of you who have had it up to here with that annoying little newbie running around, well here is your chance to show him how you truely feel. *evil grin*
On the title screen type IHateNewbies and hit enter. If you hear the evil laugh then you did it correctly and you can hit F2 to start the game.
March 29th

Truth in advertising III
The hits keep coming - 10:15 pm EST [Greybeard]

Got yet another new banner ad, this one comes in courtesy of Cynic.

onlag.gif (16189 bytes)

Long live the MP3
The FTP is a hit - 10:10 pm EST [Greybeard]

All is going well with the official UOEVIL MP3 site. Access is still being given only on a limited basis to those who inquire by e-mail, so drop me a line if you want to take a look, the new list is available here.

March 28th

Ask Greybeard
The bearded one shares his knowledge - 11:50 pm EST [Greybeard]

I recieved this question via ICQ by Satan earlier and thought it might make a good one for this segment...

Oh hey, question. Do you agree that if they put in the patch they mentioned about being able to "Declare yourself Evil" which would let you kill all you want but not be able to loot, that there would be TONS more killing than there is now? I think it would let all the antisocial degenerates run rampant, having their fun by dropping anyone and everyone face first in the dirt.

Fucking A right they would.. I mean really, PKing was never that profitable, too many greedy fuckers grabbing for loot. All us old time dreads had mules for the cash and town runs anyway. It will be just like old times. But just like clockwork I guarantee you that OSI will shit their pants the next day when murder counts start to skyrocket and find some way to nerf the system, just like they have done with so many other things (looks at all the fishermen, mages, tinkers, etc in the audience) We will at least get to enjoy some sanctioned ass-beatings for a day or two. Viva la PK's!

Giving credit where credit is due - 11:45 pm EST [Greybeard]

By the way, the banner ad shown here on the 27th was created by none other than the famed and loved Vapor McDonald. Now at least I know who to rag on about the "stupid nig" comment... heh

All the news thats unfit to print
News from the Blitzster- 11:40 pm EST [Greybeard]

I, Blitz of Sonoma, will be holding a meeting in the Moonglow Lyceaum at 12pm EST Monday, about the establishment of an evil player tower on Sonoma. It will be the first of its kind and will need much support to get the GMs to cooperate being they hate evil players. Any evil players are welcome no matter what the role. It will serve as a purpose for making friends, selling items and shopping at vendors. If you fit any evil category I ask you to just attend and tell some friends. Lets show the numerous Glorious Lords that we can have our way also. Thanks

March 27th

Truth in advertising II
Pushing the envelope even further - 9:10pm EST [Greybeard]

Musashi sent me this one, and I got to admit that it comes damn close to offending me. Luckily though my twisted sense of humor allows me to see it for what it is, good UO satire. In any event it's still good for a laugh.

owofunny.gif (47164 bytes)

March 26th

Off the subject of UO for a moment
Like I dont need a break - 12:55 am EST [Greybeard]

Man, work has been keeping me buried these past few weeks and I have had like 0 time to play much UO (or anything else for that matter). I have been toying around with the idea of throwing up a MP3 FTP site on a temporary basis. Logins will be given on a very exclusive basis (ie: I must like you, or you have to bribe me so lavishly with gifts that I have to like you out of financial obligation, kind of like the Democrats are with the Chinese)

That being said I figured I would rather offer the site up for fellow UO players rather than just any dweeb on the net. My MP3 collection is still fairly small, but the site will be cable modem hosted so speed should be pretty good. Interested? If so, you can check out the list of MP3's I presently have  then shoot me an e-mail about it. If I see enough interest I will put the FTP up over the weekend. And please, if you dont have something entertaining to say, good pics to submit for the page, offer to upload MP3's in return or other items I find amusing  should save the effort. People who mail things along the line of "Please dude, gimme a password cuz Im cool so I can leech yer shit!" will basically be told to go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck-themself.

March 24th

Truth in advertising
Shit this funny can't be kept secret - 10:30 pm EST [Greybeard]

Those of you who visit my main man Zander over at the Warcouncil have already seen this, but for those of you who haven't I just had to share it with you. If you have seen those little gimp banner ads that OSI has been running lately for UO you will appreciate this...

banner.gif (26766 bytes)

Greybeard's Mailbag
Our readers respond
- 10:10 pm EST [Greybeard]

I recieved this response to my editorial on UOAssist and Tugsoft today...

Gabrial writes:

Actually uoassist is better than uoe for one purpose...It's macros. No third party program can stack ore, bandages, and fishies like awesome uoassist and it's literally the only buying point. Just wanted you to know.


I have been using UOA nearly since it has came out and know its features well. My point in slamming them was not that UOA was neccesarily worthless without last target, but to try and remove it at the behest of OSI in order to make the "approved" list was ridiculous.

I mean really, look at the history. Just today OSI made it so hiding while fishing was impossible (and therefore pretty shitty to macro). You think they actually want you to be able to macro and stack fish? Remember how they made it so that excess ore wouldn’t fall at your feet once your pack got full? Sounds to me like they don’t want you to macro mine and stack ore either either. If we apply the same logic he used about last target, that means eliminating the auto-stack feature makes UOA more palatable to OSI, hence faster approval... see my point? You are sacrificing quality aspects of the program in order to satisfy ignorant demands on the part of OSI. I say fuck OSI, they are the ones who made the incomplete client software as well as the idiots who think up silly shit like the above mentioned anti-macro tactics and if anything it would cost Tugsoft sales.

I think the fact that Tugsoft printed a retraction yesterday and said that they would keep last-target in "for now" tells us that either they read UOEVIL and recognized what dipshits they were being, or that they finally woke up and realized that OSI is just jerking their chain. Either way it’s at least a temporary victory for us, the customers as I see it.

March 23rd

Let the truth be known
The Bullshit Detector lit up on that one alright... - 10:45 pm EST [Greybeard]

Got this in the mailbox yesterday from Decay of KoC on Chesapeke:

The 3 people that the story is about are 3 friends of mine. Ive known them for close to 2 years and yes, the story is false. They made it up because they are just weird like that. And yes, those pics arent them. bono isnt even a girl, they just picked 3 random pics off the internet to use as them. They just wanted to see if they could get on the owo. page with one of their goofy stories. just thought id e-mail ya to let you know that OSI didnt write the story themselves. They actually listened to a player for once. Sure the story is one big crock of shit, but it was somewhat amusing.

Now this comes as no surprise. If you read my article on the 19th, I made it clear that the story was utter bullshit. This mail however underscores my entire point which is that many people at Origin are so fucking out of touch with reality it's sickening. My God, how could someone who works for the company actually publish that line of shit.. and link it to the front page of! have they ever even PLAYED their own damn game? Do the actually KNOW how the game works? I have met 5 minute old newbies who know the game mechanics well enough to recognize the obvious flaws in that story, and yet OSI keeps people on the payroll who cant. God help us all.

What OSI really wants to do with us
Somehow I dont think this is too far off in the future
- 10:30 pm EST [Greybeard]

regrets.jpg (59976 bytes) Pic courtesy of The Q - Catskills

March 22nd

The Golden Sparky Returns
It's Dumb and Dumber all over again - 9:50 pm EST [Greybeard]

Well its been awhile, but I feel it is time once again to award the coveted Golden Sparky Award. Whats a Sparky you ask? A Sparky is a person whose gray matter bears a striking resemblance to cow dung. They either say or do incredibly stupid things, so much so that they deserve special recognition for their idiocy. So with no further ado I am proud to announce that the Golden Sparky for March goes to…

Tugsoft, makers of UOAssist!

I just read today that in order to speed the 3rd party program approval for their software that they will be effectively crippling the last target portion of UOAssist. They even go so far as to say:

"Overall the people wanting no changes to last target are in a minority to those who want to see UOAssist approved even if last target is changed or removed to keep the approval process going."

That in itself makes me laugh so hard I nearly crap my pants. All I can assume is that whatever brain-cell killing disease that OSI has gotten has now infected them as well. Just why the fuck do we, the people who paid money for your software, care whether or not it is approved? All we care about is that the thing works and continues to be updated. The bottom line is that Tugsoft somehow believes that crippling last target will somehow speed the approval process of their program and earn them the big bucks… guess again jerky.

Origin and EA are big companies with lots of lawyers and lots of red tape. Nothing gets done in a hurry and when it is done, something is usually fucked up. That’s how big companies work, it’s the American way. You screwing over the single most important function of your program will only serve to piss off your users and send your sales into the toilet. Do you actually think for one moment, that OSI is content to let any 3rd party developer make profits that should otherwise be going into THEIR pocket? Get real jack, that’s not what keeps their stock on the rise. OSI is going to eventually add in last target into the UO client, and with the existence of FREE programs like Xena’s magic tools, UOE, etc, Tugsoft wont be able to sell a glass of water to a man whose ass is on fire. The fact that Origin has jerked them off for so long should be obvious to even the dimmest of minds that they have no intention of letting anyone make money off their game. I guess that Garriot himself will have to show up at Tugsoft and bitchslap everyone these senseless before they figure out that they have been had. Now however it seems that Origin can rest easy, Tugsoft has bitchlapped themselves and saved him the trip

On another note, I encourage all UOA users to visit their website and read firsthand about it, then write Tugsoft and tell them what you think. Hell, even if you don’t use UOA mail them just to tell em what Greybeard thinks of them.

Desperately seeking Myra
Where have you been mofo? - 9:20 pm EST [Greybeard]

Back a few harddrive formats ago (love win98 baby) I lost a ton of e-mail addys and ICQ info. I have been trying to get in touch with my number one homeslice Myra Mains, creater of the famed Fluffy the PK Chicken games. If anyone knows the little fella's whereabouts drop me a line.

Famous last words
I'd rather be lucky than good anyday - 9:15 pm EST [Greybeard]

Many a times we have the desire to make someone eat their words.. well in this case they did.

FLW.jpg (17938 bytes) Pic courtesy of Rebecca

Into the abyss we go
Death and carnage with the wtfmen  - 8:45 am EST [Greybeard]

We discovered yesterday that Nighthawk was our only abyss veteran. Ron and myself had both never really played there so we said what the hell, made some newbies and went to the party. What we found were countless miners, tailors, tamers, and other peaceful folk who apparently walked through an advancement gate and now thought that they were hardcore PvP. Obviously upon meeting some real PvPers they realized how wrong they were. Needless to say the smack was laid down in great quantity... here are some highlights.

March 21st

UOExtreme 1, "The Man" 0
Yes boys and girls, your favorite 3rd party is back  - 5:10 pm EST [Greybeard]

I have been told that the latest and greatest version of UOE (6.08) is fully functional, virus free and works with the latest patch. Get it from the official UOExtreme website.

So ya wanna be famous?
Or at least infamous, perhaps notorious even? - 10:25 am EST [Greybeard]

I am always on the lookout for fresh material here at UOEVIL. I try to use viewer mail and submissions whenever I can, so if you have some good screenshots, editorials, etc and want to share your viewpoints with the world (at least the twisted and sadistic part of the world that enjoys my site) feel free to send em along. I would also mention that the letters I use for my "Ask Greybeard" segments are actual viewer mails, so don't hesitate to mail in those questions. You may not like my answers, but at least they will be entertaining.

New links added
A peek into the dark mind of Greybeard - 9:50 am EST [Greybeard]

I put together a few of my favorite non UO links together, perhaps you might find something useful, entertaining or just downright offensive there. Check em out

smax_thumb.jpg (21231 bytes) chocked full of vitamins and minerals for yo' ass

March 20th

Ask Greybeard
The bearded one shares his knowledge
- 9:50 pm EST [Greybeard]

Dustin Darling writes:

Dear Greybeard,
Did you know about the new "Every thing you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask" book is out? They basicly edited it and took out oral sex because it isnt really sex. The new book is the "presidential" version.

I wasnt aware of that, but I thank you for pointing it out. I would also inform you that there is a follow up to that very same book. This one however specifically details how to not only fuck in excess of 100,000 people per month, but how to get them to pay you $10 for it. Its called the "Lord British" version.

Things to do when you're bored
And morally depraved too I might add - 1:00 am EST [Greybeard]

daemon.jpg (39365 bytes) Pic courtesy of Kefka

March 19th

Someone needs to be smacked with a blarney stone
More classic Origin PR work - 6:30 pm EST [Greybeard]

OMG, I read something today that nearly made me smack my monitor. If you haven’t read it yet, go check out the St. Patricks Day Player Profile. That is the funniest piece of absolute fiction I have ever seen. Clearly its author as well as the idiot at OSI that published it are seriously retarded. I mean really… carrying around over 100k in gold on a ships deck… dread lords out for a leisurely sail, with a tower deed on them no less… and my personal favorite, the pictures! Just who are these gimps they show photos of supposed to be, the actual players themselves? Gimme a break people, those things are ringers if I ever saw one. Show me a picture of some guy in his undies, feet up on the desk munching on some wing-dings and it might be a bit more believable. I cant believe that Origin actually pays people to fabricate shit like that… no wonder we have all the in-game fuckups that we do.

Gotta love it
Some people have too much time on their hands (no, not you Ron)
- 12:25 am EST [Greybeard]

While surfing about I happened across this little pic. It's only funny because its true.

aolscreen.jpg (20087 bytes)

March 18th

Lifestyles of the rich and infamous
Ok, so maybe were not rich - 1:35 am EST [Greybeard]

For any doubters in the crowd, the story of Ron and Pals was right on the money. I stood there next to Ron amazed as he got jocked by the crowd of GM's. I felt like I was with a bona-fide celebrity. I asked Ron if I could kiss his pinkie ring but he declined, saying that he wasnt certain where that finger had been earlier in the day. I guess the whole point is that what we do eventually filters up. I noted about a month ago that suddenly Bucs Den now had a bank, and a bank that would deal with murderers. Anyone happen to remember the pitch I made to Designer Dragon and OSI last summer about an outlet for evil roleplaying, a murderers bank, etc? Who would have thought that they would have listened. I know I didnt. Sometimes I almost think that maybe things are getting better... that finally the game will improve and become more enjoyable and sensible... almost... then I remember clusterfuck ideas like spell interrruption, blue PK measures, stat loss, murder counts for tinkers, etc, and realize that I have better odds of shitting a jeweled muskrat than them actually getting it right on the first try.

Who knows, maybe if we continue to entertain and offend the population of Sosaria sooner or later the dev team might actually ask us what WE think. God help us on that day.

Home Decorating 101
Oh what you can do with a few corpses - 1:00 am EST [Greybeard]

I dont remember who sent me this pic, but it appears they went on a decorating spree on a UOX shard. I just love what they did with the place!

decorating.jpg (18617 bytes)

March 17th

Ask Greybeard
The bearded one shares his knowledge - 9:00 am EST [Greybeard]

Erebus writes:

Dear Greybeard, Theres this guy on Napa Valley named Striker who is a real jerkoff. I'm always trying to kill him but he always ends up with about 5 guildmates there to save his pansy ass. I've tried to frame him with fake screen shots but it didn’t work. I could tear him up so badly but his chicken shit guildmates always save him. I swear when I kill him I'm gonna cut off his dick and choke his buddys with it. Anyway is there any advice you can give me?


Well, if you are the one continually taste testing the ground at the hands of him and his friends, the first thing that comes to mind is to tell you to make 10 friends, then go use your 10 friends to beat down his 5. That’s the American way after all. If you are some anti-social dickwad that no one likes and you couldn’t make friends if your life depended on it I would first say congratulations, you are the typical UO player. Secondly I would say that you should resort to unconventional tactics. Meteor strike him while he is macroing overnight in his house…Polymorph yourself and follow him around till he says "AFK, gotta go piss" then drop on energy vortex on his ass. Make a newbie, build him up then ask to join their guild. Be really cool and friendly, make em think you are the nicest guy on the planet then loot their house. If you apply yourself I am sure you can find several underhanded ways to accomplish your goal.

I cant help but ask though, what the hell is with that "frame him with fake screen shots" bit? You graduate from the Linda Tripp school of ethics or something? If you want to go through the trouble of making a fake screen shot, make one that counts. Do a real life picture of him engaging in unusual sex acts with a sheep. Better yet, a pair of sheep. If nothing else it will make for a good conversation piece in the newsgroups.

March 16th 1999

Holy Shit Batman, he found the HTML!
Oh yeah, we got mucho work to do - 11:30 pm EST [

Most of the links are FUBAR (thats Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition) and I wont have time to straighten out the archives and such tonight. Expect some more updates and house cleaning over the next few days.

Back from the grave yet again! - 11:25 pm EST [Greybeard]

Well its been quite a long time, but while digging through some old files I actually found this, an old index page from UOEVIL. Being that today marks the first day the page is offically back online, I thought I would leave the old index up till the end of the month before I archived it.. enjoy!