Mayhem from June


June 29th - From Richie with love.

While digging through the ol' mailbox this morning I found a letter from the chap we turned into a neophyte swordsman earlier, Richie Rich. Here is what he had to say.

Name: IX
Email: IXmionie


HEY asshole...this is IXIrredescentXI--- thanks for killing my fukin mule---u assholes r luky it wasnt my real guy-----i swear to god himself i would come to each of ur houses and literally fukin pk ur punk asses my self-----

From the bottom of my heart
ps: ill give this to u, it was smooth :)

Well bro, I got to hand it to ya. Your grammar skills leave something to be desrired, but at least you are a good sport :) - Greybeard

June 28th - Sucks to be you.

Always on the lookout for some new mayhem to create, a few of us noticed an enemy guild member (Richie Rich) happily macroing in his house. Being the happy and friendly kind of guys that we are, we pumped a few meteor strikes through the window BBQing him where he stood. To our utter amazement, just seconds later there his newly ressed corpse stood!. We alld died laughing our asses off as we realized his macro program must have clicked on the insta-res button. As soon as we recovered from our near fatal laughter, guess what we did to dear Richie again. And again, and again, and again.

Poor guy, he probably came back the next morning thinking that some cruel GM came by and waxed him in his sleep... heh, sorry to say Richie it wasnt anything quite so complex. Maybe next time you will try earning your skills the hard way :P - Greybeard

June 26th - Ye ol' Guild of Sticky Keyboards

And just when you thought that the Golden Sparky award was the pinnacle of ridicule, Campa and his OO butt-pirates are at it again. A viewer mailed me these logs which they recently recorded showing a casual (and no doubt typical) Obsidian Order conversation.

OOJOURNAL1.JPG (23789 bytes)OOJOURNAL2.JPG (25554 bytes)

June 25th - OSI Finally awards the truly worthy

After a long time seeing noto-macroing, noto-pking sleazebags getting rewarded for their lame ass deeds of virtue, it appears that the more unsavory elements of society are now able to benefit from their rude behavior.

karma.jpg (5438 bytes)

Helping a young man see the light - Scott sent me this mail, telling us how we at UOEVIL.COM helped him get his life on track. I thought I would take a moment and share this touching monent with you.

Haha! I must say this is by far the best UO site out there. I tried to be a "good" citizen for a while, but you have shown me the way. After reading this site my friend Lucki went and swiped a key ring from some bimbo and then snagged her rune after she whined to him to give back the keys. She called her WGW guildmembers and 7 of them showed up threatening just 2 of us. So of course we used her rune to loot her house dry then killed her packhorse. We found a rune to their guildhouse in her home, and we immediatly gated there to continue the destruction. A week later they started talking more trash so we went back to her house where she was inside, shoved a few bolts in her ass and took her head. We went back to the guildhouse where they thought it was smart to have 8 packhorses instead of chests to store their stuff. We whacked all of them took all the loot in the house and did the honors of leaving her head by the door entrance. This would not be possible if you haven't shown me that evil is truly good. - Scott Hall

Doesnt it just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? - Greybeard

June 24th - Alas, another genius!

While I was flagged grey for healing a criminal friend, some twit ran up and began hacking at me with a halberd. I proceded to snoop him, steal his only healing potion and made him "feel the shaft of love" courtesy of my heavy crossbow. About 5 minutes later he came running back and yelled "You suck! you cant win without stealing!" I then replied to him "Well jerky, I am a thief and thats what we do. Don't try to noto kill and maybe you wont get your ass handed to you."

Thats like running up to a Grandmaster Mage and yelling "You suck! You cant win without using E-bolts!" well duh.... Thats the same kind of jerk who used to run up to a dastardly guy, start wacking him with an axe and the moment the dastardly guy started kicking his ass, proceded to run away yelling "Help! PK!" I mean lets get real here.. if you could beat someone to death with a overcooked turkey leg, dont ya think there would be more GM chefs running around? - Greybeard

Hugs and Kisses for the UO Vault - First thing I would like to acknowldge is that the UO Vault is a great UO news page. Now that i've said that, let me say this. Gasper and the UO Vault can KISS MY ASS. Back when this page was new and struggling for visitors, I mailed them several times and requested a shout-out for my page and recieved no reply. A few weeks back I even mailed them and asked "What the hell, cant you even reply and say hey, go piss off?" and Gasper still didnt even grant me that courtesy. All the while I have seen some incredibly lame ass pages and events getting press over there. Now that my page is getting over 10,000 hits a month and we have established a nice following WITHOUT the assitance of the Vault, I would like to personally tell Gasper to cram his well made page right up his inconsiderate and exceptionally tight ass. I would also like to thank The Buhouse, UOSS@Stratics, The Crossroads of Britannia, Ultima.Scorched and all the other major UO sites that either linked us, praised us, or printed our press releases.

Walk around handing out flowers and wishing people a nice day, and a few people will stop to watch. Blow some shit up and leave some dead bodies and large breasted blondes laying around and yer gonna' make the 6 o'clock news baby. Overly rightous pricks like Gasper can claim we are immature and rude but lets get real here. You think they pay Stallone 10+ million per film becauase of his fine shakesperian prose? Fuck no! He pulls out a big ass gun and blasts some big ass bad guys, then gets the chick with big ass hooters. Its the American way. Let the critics say what they will, we give the people what they want and we speak the truth. Maybe if all those self-proclaimed roleplaying good guys (*chuckle*, yeah right) like Gasper could pull that stick out of their asses for about 5 minutes they could actually have a little fun. - Greybeard

June 23rd - And the winner is!...

Film has the Oscar, music has the Grammy, and here at UOEVIL.COM we have The Golden Sparky® Now what is a Sparky you ask? He or she is a person that despite their best efforts, just arent the brightest of people. Some might even call them "as dumb as a box of rocks". To become eligible for the Golden Sparky® award, someone must go above and beyond the call of stupidity and simply do some really ignorant shit. With no further delay I am proud to announce that the first Golden Sparky® award goes to...

Campa of the Obsidian Order!

Yesterday in Occlo I happened across Campa and one of his flunkies, Jesse James. They immediately opened fire and not being one to take a 2 on 1 ass-beating, I recalled out to find a fellow EiG to help me dispatch these two. Bloodthirster and I traveled back to find Campa and Jesse right where we left them, and the fight ensued. It took me about 10 seconds to first steal Campas mandrake, then his bolts. Realzing he was in deep shit Campa glared at me steelily, mustered all of his courage up... then ran like a bitch. I chased him all through Occlo, the chase ending at the Inn where he ran to in order to log out and save his ass.

When I returned to where I had left Bloodthirster, I found him there with the corpse of Jesse and several Mercs who had joined in the party. Jesse tried to run up and grab his loot, and twice found his ass perforated with EiG and Merc bolts and eventually got the message and left. Then lo and behold! Up runs Campa fully equipped in his shining platemail yelling "HA HA LAMERS!" obviously happy that his running ability saved his ass earlier. Now this folks, is the moment whereby Campa earned his Sparky. I immediately stole his mandrake, and it took less than 2 seconds for Bloodthirster and the Mercs to make a crossbow bolt pin-cushion out of his ass.

The moral of the story is this. Its pretty stupid to declare war on EiG. Its even more stupid to declare war on the Mercs. But to run into a crowd of both of them yelling some dumb shit, makes you a monumental fucking moron truly worthy of The Golden Sparky®. Congratulations and thanks again for the platemail and reagents Campa, please come again.

sparky.JPG (139786 bytes) "I wonder if OSI makes a learning-disabled version of the game for guys like this?" - Bloodthirster of EiG

June 22nd - Updates are coming... I swear! :P

Seems like every time I got online this weekend to update the page, my ISP's server was going down. Had dozens of people ICQ me to report that they couldn't access the page. Hopefully the problem gets fixed today and I can publish this stuff. - Greybeard

Party with Satan - Yes thats right, the dark master of the universe himself can be found busting some skulls in UO, and has assembled his own UO handbook. Its not quite finished yet, but should prove to be entertaining when its done. Click here to check it out.

June 18th - Back in the Saddle

Egads the mail! I just got back from 2 days out of town and I am buried with a flood of mail. I will get back to everyone as soon as possible, and will have lots of updates going in all weekend long.

Where the undead come to party - Tired of sewing skullcaps for a living, Angus decided he needed a new business venture. Last weekend he opened up Yew's first "All Nude Liche Review and Tequila Bar." As you can see from the photo opening night was quite a success and it was standing room only just to get in.

licheparty.JPG (85837 bytes) "Bring on the hooters...woohoo!" - Larry the Liche

June 15th - The Editoral Ranting of the Month

Ok folks, we need to clarify something here. I am starting to get more and more mail about the EiG guild from folks claiming we are all PK’s, we kill people in death robes, we steal, we say mean and nasty things, etc etc. To this I reply… NO SHIT! The guild is called "Evil is Good", not "Happy Friendly People" or "Really Nice Guys" or even "The Boy Scouts of Sosaria."

We are a compilation of villainous bastards who could care less about the overrated, self-righteous virtue system. Don’t get me wrong, we aren’t totally heartless mind you, we just don’t care for the two faced bullshit artists who tell you what upstanding citizens they are, while at the same time ambushing and killing the vulnerable. (By this, I mean the former GL’s who used to get their rocks off by EVing and looting innocents, who now spend their time using summoned animals to guard dungeon doors and slaying the flagged unfortunates who open them. Lets also not forget the ones who like to run into your blade spirits or firewall just so you can get flagged criminal then kill you)

Virtue in a perfect world is no doubt something we all want. Unfortunately, most people see the ability to have an anonymous avatar in a virtual world as an "Official Asshole License." What’s worse, when they get caught doing some dastardly shit and are confronted about it (like the above mentioned acts) they lie their asses off about it and invent excuses for their behavior. "Uhh… he was a thief... um... yeah, he looted me once... err... his dog ate my vendor deed! Yeah, that’s it!"

Lying, lowlife cocksuckers is what they are, and these jerks are the first ones to point the finger at us. If we really cared what they thought it might hurt our feelings. However, since we know that the ones who complain the loudest are usually far bigger scumbags than we are under the surface, we take it all in stride.

With that being said, please don’t clutter my mailbox telling me how "bad" we are. We know were evil and were damn proud of it. If you want to make an issue of something, mail me and tell me you saw one of my members helping a little old lady across the road... heads would ROLL for something like that. - Greybeard

Oh yeah, being from Detroit myself, it would be unforgivable if I didnt say GO RED WINGS! Woohoo!

Home of the PK Drinking Game its The Lower Level. Be sure to check em out, it's a new page with the kind of sadistic humor we approve of. - Greybeard

I'm not dead - If you notice no updates till the 18th or 19th dont panic. I am going to be in Cincinatti for a few days on business and will be back up to my old tricks with fresh updates when I get back home. - Greybeard

June 13th - Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war!

They finally did it. Imperator broke out his Lee Press on Nuts® and returned our declaration of war. Here you can see the two of us engaged in an incredibly important conversation, and deciding the fate of our guilds.

meeting.jpg (22066 bytes) "No dammit that's not how it works. Paper covers rock!" - Imperator SB

June 12th - Burn baby burn... disco inferno!

Faced with overwhelming odds and knowing death was imminent, he had but one final desire to fulfill. He had to dance.

jaga.JPG (109877 bytes) "Come on you Empire lamers, lets boogie!" - Jaga of EiG

June 11th - He's lean, he's mean, he's an egg-layin' machine!

Fluffy-mania is sweeping the country! You read the book, you saw the movie, now play the game! Thats right, Fluffy the PK Chicken® has his own action packed arcade game. Join the forces of evil and dispatch some beat-downs with Fluffy! Click here for the download.

June 10th - 9 out of 10 GL's prefer EZ MACRO

Tenth sent me this shot, taken straight from the latest edition of "Better Great Lord Homes and Gardens" showing the hottest home accessories that no GL should be without. - Greybeard

Macro.JPG (60695 bytes) "Damn, now where did I put those EV scrolls?" - an Anonymous GL

Also from Tenth is a yet unpublished comic in which Lord Blackthorn "Gets jiggy wit' it". I must admit that Tenth is indeed one sick bastard (thats a compliment coming from us) but at least its nice to see Blackthorn getting what OSI is used to giving. Click here for the perversion - Greybeard

June 9th - New spell created!

No longer satisfied with summoning hams for dinner, our master mages have created a new spell...Summon Beer. For their next trick, they will try to summon some pretzels to go along with it.

June 8th - Damn, if only you could E-bolt people in RL

Sorry for the lack of updates this weekend, I spent most of it angrily venting my aggressions on unsuspecting UO'ers. Some jagoff piled into the rear end of my STS on Saturday while exiting the freeway. I drove a beatered up rusted out 86 Mustang POS (thats Piece of Shit) for 5 years and never got a scratch on it. I havent had my new Caddy 10 months yet and now its in the body shop today. THERE IS NO GOD! <g> Look for updates throughout the afternoon. - Greybeard

Guess who's coming to dinner? - This weekend we had about 30 anti's and noto PK douchebags camped out at the cemetery. It got so congested at one point that we had to have valet parking for their horses. One of the higlights was when Terminus, a cool guy and all around friend of EiG joined the party by administering a few EV enemas to one of the anti guilds.

infiltrator.JPG (90807 bytes) "If you're into evil you're a friend of mine" - AC/DC

A New Story has been added to the PKing with Siskel and Ebert section.

New Links Added - Check out Good Honest Comics and The Knights of Terror in the links section.

June 5th - A tweak here, a tweak there

Today I added a new PK review, check out the PKing with Siskel and Ebert section. Also made a few mods to the Cool Stuff section, and will be adding several new screen shots over the weekend including some of the best from previous months.

June 4th - Sex sells

Upon noticing an Empire member who was visiting our cemetery, we asked him if he would like a little head. He replied "Of course!" Unfortunaltely for KalZ, he didnt realize exactly what we meant until it was too late.

kalzhead.jpg (29090 bytes) "Best head I ever had!" - Yorik

Time for another beating - Well whaddya know. My dear friend Campa came back to visit our page, leaving yet another of his oh-so tactful feedback letters.

Name: Campa


U call ME a Noto PK, huh?
Now that's what I call irony.

High Priest - Obsidian Order

Ummm... yeah I did. You (the blue noto PK) like to attack reds just because you can. You then run like a cockroach with the light on as soon as that red (whom you thought was gonna be an easy kill) starts beating your ass to a bloody pulp. If anything I was too kind to you. You arent just a noto PK, you are a cowardly, pathetic, gutless, balless, scum sucking, bottom feeding, sorry ass excuse for a human being too.

P.S.: Who made u think that my last mail was anonymous? Are u some kind of mentally retarded morons?

Ummm... take a look at that little field that says "Email" and you will notice it is blank. That means you didnt leave a return e-mail, aka anonymous. Now we make no claims to be card carrying members of MENSA, but at least we have the cojones' to leave a real return e-mail address. - Greybeard

I also took another anonymous mail from a chap curious about our attitude...

Name: Anonymous Bounty Hunter ( Money time )


Id love to understand why u call the GLs who want to kill u noto pks. Well ure a guild f thieves and some of u are pks, so why cant u stop complaining? I mean the duty of a GL is just to kill the ones who broke the law, and u did it somany times... So why dont roleplay a bit? By the way, even if I had a contract on Jare and Apollo, I must admit your site is quite kewl, and let me tell u this: we agree on one point: The EMpire really sucks.

Well heres your answer. In a perfect world, you would be right. GL's would be valiant defenders of virtue, true rolemodels of what is good and just. In reality, most GL's are scumbags. They earned their title via EZ Macro, they rarely help fellow players in need, they kill innocents with with energy vortex and blade spirits, etc etc. Bottom line is, most of em are cowardly jagoff's with worse ethics than the reddest of Dreads. All that PLUS they have a bright shiny shield that is totally contrary to what these lamers really stand for. Respect that you say? I'd sooner stick my dick in a light socket. Well, at least your dislike of the Empire shows that you arent totally dissilusioned - Greybeard

June 3rd - Just say no!

Just when we thought that we had explored every possible way to induce mayhem and evil into the world of UO, someone has one upped us. While wandering through the forest, Bilbo encountered definitive proof that drug dealers are now moving into our community.

justsayno.jpg (19213 bytes) "Wow, I wonder if I can make a water bong with my tinker now?" - Bilbo Baggins

June 2nd - Viva la exploits!

Recived info on a new site today, looks pretty promising. Go check out Bugged Out

They must be massochists - Almost every other day I get an e-mail or some feedback from the Empire about how much our site sucks, how were such satan-worshipping assholes, etc etc... funny thing is, they keep coming back for more! Seems they dislike the EiG guild so much they cant wait to see what I throw at em next. Kinda like people who slow down to watch car wrecks aint it?... the morbid bastards :) - Greybeard

June 1st - Everyone loves a sale!

Yes its that time again, the EiG Corpse Club for Men® is pleased to announce its summer "Two for one dollar days!" Now for a limited time only, just one smart-ass remark is all it takes for two, yes thats right two, of your very own corpses!  Why with the EiG Corpse Club for Men® you'll shed pounds and lose inches as your body decomposes gracefully. Why, just look at these two members of the Empire who recently joined. Buff to the max baby!

breastroke.jpg (23336 bytes) "Wow! with my spleen removed, I feel 20 pounds lighter.. this is better than Slim-Fast!" - Nathalia of the Empire


Want to see more mayhem from months past?

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