Whoda Thunk It

I am amazed it happened. No way would I of predected that it could of happened. No, I dont mean Azaroth got laid and didnt have to pay for it, this was even more amazing. Ron and I actually started playing UO again. Scary but true, for the past few days we have been wrangling mongbats and sparring skeletons once again. Here you can see the fun Ron and I have been having together:

Makes you yearn for the good old days eh?

In any event, Azaroth and Rix's server InPorYlem, has been a blast. The guys have worked really hard on it and its a trip down memory lane. Considering you can download the latest UO client for free, I would encourage everyone to try it out. It's only been up a couple weeks and already their are over a thousand fellow players to meet, explore new lands with, then kill them and loot their shit. Happy days are here again. - Greybeard


Life. It's busy.

Be afraid my friends, be very afraid. Ron posted twice in one week, this is truly the sign of dark times to come. So pack up all your homosexual paraphenelia, and head to the basement to hide out for the rest of your natural lives. It's probably easier that way. Well it's been quite some time since I posted, mostly due to very very busy real life stuff. I work the wierdest fucking schedule known to man, so as a result I work till 7am every morning and sleep until 5pm or so everyday. When I am not working my 12 hour hell shifts, Ron is usually trying to talk me into another drinking binge. I really hate it when he peer pressures me into drinking 5 Jagerbombs in one evening, but I am weak, and I like drinking, so fuck it, I figure I can be driven to the hospital at any time.

As far as gaming stuff goes, I've tried just about everything recently, a major problem with me lately, and probably for the first time in my life, is I just don't have the time nor desire to play anythng for extended periods of time. I am far too busy with life, going to Buckeye games every Saturday, and drinking with my friends has really gotten in the way of all things gaming related. Hell, I bought Final Fantasy XI to play with some friends, that lasted approximately one week. While not a bad game, the death penalty is extremely harsh, especially for someone who really doesn't play very often at all. It definitely sucks when you only log on for an hour, and you work hard only to lose the last 2 hours of work. I am a pussy, so I gave up. Plus my retarded friends decided to play on the "Fairy" server. No, really, there is a server named Fairy. It's not the gay server or anything, however the guy or company who decided to name a server Fairy, may, in fact, be gay.

Other things have happened in the gaming world, Shadowbane, the king of Crash To Desktop warfare, recently combined a couple servers in to one. They then gave the new server a new name AND a new map. Well goddamn, it's about time, FAR too late, but about time nonetheless. Everquest released a new expansion, Lost Dungeons of Norrath, well it seems as though the dungeons are now found, I bought the expansion and made it to about level 22 before quitting, again. It's a little known fact, that my mother, the greatest lady in the world, is an Everquest addict. So, I try to play with her every now and then, but she always outlevels me because I suck ass. It's so odd to think of my Mom as a gamer, but I suppose I had to get it from somewhere. She's been playing EQ for 2 years now, and it certainly is wierd when she says something like: "Son you should really get an Iksar Breastplate to increase your regeneration rate." I mean WTFman? My mom rules.

Let's see what else? Planetside released an expansion, I dunno what it is about that game, great concept, but just so, blah. So needless to say, no Planetside for me. I was so bored ladies and gentlemen, that I almost went to Best Buy and bought DAoC and their new expansion. This is what is commonly known as desperation. To be fair, back when DAoC first came out, I had a really good time playing. My fun-starved brain could only remember the good things about DAoC, AND they had a new expansion, which can't be bad right? So I am sitting at home, trying to convince myself to get up out of my chair, when for shits and giggles I decide to check out this site that I post on, you know, Wtfman.com. I read a post about a commercial I have never heard of, goddamned Canadian wierdos! I also read about OSI/EA screwing the pooch yet again. How is it that UO is still alive and kicking? It seems to me that EA has tried it's goddamned best to kill it forever. I also read a review of Matrix: Revolutions. Yet another little known fact, I actually saw that movie. Or should I say, I sat in the theatre the entire time that the movie was playing. You see, I had WAY too much to drink that evening, and after dinner, my wife and I, and two friends decided to go see Matrix on the IMAX screen. I was all excited because the IMAX screen is pretty cool. Little did I know that sitting down into a comfy theatre chair would cause me to instantly pass out from way too much alchohol. The theatre was packed too, and I may have layed my head on the dude next to me's shoulder. All I know, is I woke up and the credits were rolling and my mouth was open. Maybe I too, have a problem.

So back to the site, I decide to check the forums, where, it seems, I get a good portion of my web-based entertainment. The people who post on our forums are a special breed, read: retarded. This includes myself. Lo and behold I see the greatest sight these eyes have seen in a good long time. A post from Rixus proclaiming that the In Por Ylem UO shard that he and Azaroth have been working on is live. Holy shit, my prayers have been answered, a player run 1999 era UO shard. So, I kiss my wife goodbye for a while, and begin to hunt for my UO cd. I find it, install it, get UO Gateway and Razor and fire that motherfucker up. I log in to 234873248907 people macroing. Interesting, I wish I had about 2 dozen greater explosion potions right about now. It takes me a good 10 minutes to push through everyone and be on my way. I spend a few minutes trying to figure out Razor, which is like UOAssist exxcept for player run shards. Great program for sure. And the macroing begins, I find a bunch of people at the bank and begin Macroing Eval like a champ. Two days and one visit to jail later, I am GM. I am really enjoying myself, I've been murdered while mining, been murdered while macroing, been murdered while picking my nose. It's a good time, we've got JoV up and running on the shard with our own house and guildstone and everything. Right in front of Covetous, we've already had some interesting encounters with some people in the area. As I sit in town macroing meditation, there are currently 810 people on, holy shit, that's just insane for a player run shard. Now, most people have 2 accounts, which is the limit, but still, that's 405 people. That's a goddamn lot of victims...err I mean people to play with. I am doing something a little strange in the spirit of the way I used to play, I am only running one account. Back when I played OSI UO I didn't run 2 accounts until after UO:R came out. So I am trying to be a purist, it's frustratingly limited at times, but I think it will make me feel more accomplished in the end. So look out for me, with my 39.3 swords and my 53.2 magery, I'll fucking own you all. So while I try to get "Joe" up to speed, I sit and muse about how great it is to have this game, the way it should be, back in my life. I'd just like to offer to have Azaroth's baby right now, you complete me.

Other things in life, I recently purchased a house, no, not in UO, in real life. As Rich so eloquently put it: Joe I 'm really fucking glad that you are finally moving on to the adult phase of your life. I don't know what makes him think that me having a house will make me act like an adult, but hey, I suppose people can dream. In fact Rich is so fucking cool that next weekend he is driving all the way up here from Atlanta to help me move, ladies and gentleman friends like that don't come along very often, and I'd just like to publicly say thanks. Also in sports news, my OSU Buckeyes are number 2 in the BCS polls, much to the seething hatred of USC fans. Now I pretty much fucking hate the BCS, but c'mon USC, that weak ass fucking schedule of yours?? Go piss up a rope, next time you decide to try for a national title don't get beat by Cal. So to conclude this rambling idiocy, I leave you with this: GO BUCKS, BEAT MICHIGAN!!

- Joe


I am Still Indeed a Dumb Ass

My ignorance has no bounds it would seem. So my roommate Carlos and I came home from happy hour at the 'Bucket last night, started doing whatever, can't remember, and our dogs started to get into a scrap. Nothing strange really, his dog is a boxer, and Patrick's is a labrador. They get along usually, but since boxers are somewhat aggressive, and the lab has lived here for a lot longer, they try to PK each other on occasion due to territory and male domination. Well, it's a big pain in the ass when they get into it because they are loud and annoying and they knock shit over like a bunch of assholes. They pretty much take after us.

Anyway, since I have a penchant for intelligence, I decide to try to break shit up. I tried the method of sticking my hand into the fray like a fuckwit. A bite intentioned for one of them took a nice chunk out of the top of my hand and knuckles. It hurt a little I suppose, so I jerked my hand back, thus tossing blood all over the place, and went in the kitchen to survey the damage. Wish I had a picture to show you, as it was pretty fucking elite checking out bone and ligaments that you normally don't get a chance to see when you're not being a complete dipshit.

So me and Carlos had a nice finish to the evening by getting to spend quality time with the emergency room staff until 6 this morning. It was cool as shit though watching Doctor Strangelove poke, prod, and pull shit around in my hand and then do his stitching stuff. I have to go see some hand surgeon tomorrow to check for herpes and what not. There's some strange ligament-like shit severed in there, so he has to tell me if it's just a spare part or if it needs reattaching. So essentially they stitched me up just so they can unstitch and then restitch me. Fun for sure.

Since I am right handed, and my right hand is now as useful as my brain, I have come upon some predicaments:

-I have to wipe my ass left handed. This is not cool at all, as lefty just doesn't have the same resourcefulness.

-I cannot write or operate a mouse too easily, which makes me essentially worthless at work. My parents should have chosen ambidexterity at character creation.

-Monique Alexander has suddenly become a lot less experienced when giving me hand jobs.

-Picking my nose has never been more difficult.

-Brushing my teeth sucks. Not that I ever do, but it will suck if I ever buy a toothbrush I bet.

-They told me I cannot drink tasty alcoholic beverages for a week, and the Ohio State/Michigan game is fucking Saturday. This is probably a rule that'll get broken, but Nurse Ratchet threatened me with amputation if I did. Will have to play this one by ear.

-Eating food blows.

-Other stuff that I will discover soon.

As you can see, I am stupid and/or retarded. Let this be a lesson to all of you doggy-helper helpers out there.



Houston, We Have a Drinking Problem.

Or at least, I suspect that I have a problem not being foolish. Today I was sitting at work reconciling my checking account for October, and I came upon the realization that I am exactly what my brother told me a time or two when he was really super pissed in the past: I am a dumbass.

In between bill payments such as rent, electricity that keeps me warm while living so close to your girlfriend, and other assorted necessities, I discovered this:

Bob's Bar - 27.00
Bob's Bar - 31.00
R-Bar - 36.41
Rusty Bucket - 45.23
Bob's Bar - 24.00
Grandview Café - 79.00
Champp's - 42.00
Bob's Bar - 66.50
Rusty Bucket - 8.00
Lazy Chameleon - 30.00
Rusty Bucket - 16.28
Bob's Bar - 20.00
Rusty Bucket - 8.80
Major League Sports Bar - 42.50
R-Bar - 45.00
Barley Shack - 32.00
Traditions - 93.00
Rusty Bucket - 15.80
Major League Sports Bar- 44.94
Bob's Bar - 30.50
R-Bar - 116.17
Bob's Bar - 49.41
Columbus Distributing - 88.54

Dumb Ass - 992.08

This means two things to me:

1. I hope my interest is 100% vested at Bob's Bar.
2. I am evidently thirsty.
3. Ha ha I said 2 things, you dumb shit.

Take a look at your own account sometime and do the math; you might find it disturbing. That shit sure does add up. But hey, it was a fun month. One day here shortly after I figure out how to transfer VHS shit onto my computer, I'll play some Girls Gone Wild shit from our Halloween Party, much to Joe's delight. From what I remember it was a pretty good time, and I might be able to get him that divorce I was telling him about.

8 year olds, Dude.

The video has a cast of drunk guys, drunk chicks, costumes, policemen, and a dildo. It's just too bad that our asshole neighbors called the police. I had to sit in a corn-row and mullet-infested courtroom last Monday for violating some stupid ass noise ordinance. But the cop was cool at least. Even if he did decline free beer, he did let me sit in the back of his car, which by the way was fairly cramped, while he wrote me my citation/summons. He then forgot to give me my I.D. back, so he came back later in the evening and gave it back to me, which was simultaneously scary and cool, indeed. I've got it all on tape.

Anyway, all of this has led me to drastic measures: I have been debating playing some form of online game to keep my wallet a little fatter with Christmas approaching and what have you. So far I have narrowed down my choices between the following games:

Ultima Online - Gay
Dark Age of Camelot - Gay
Everquest - Gay
Anarchy Online - Gay
Star Wars Galaxies - Gay
Shadowbane - Gay, with sieging!
Asheron's Call - Gay
Asheron's Call 2 - Gayer
Final Fantasy XI - Gayest

As you can see, I am homophobic. Thus I have decided for the time being to not play anything. Though I guess I could be talked into hitting Azaroth's In Por Ylem server, which seems to be the only viable option. The problem is that I think that means I would have to buy UO, which would mean giving money to the enemy. If anyone has any other suggestions, do tell, unless it involves penetration.

In the meantime, you can find me at Bob's.



Fuck You, Harvey's

What the fuck. It's annoyed me to the point that I'll bitch.

I can't fucking stand the new 'strategy' food companies are using in regards to voice talent in their commercials. Every time something is fresh it isn't just fresh, it has to be fucking 'fruessch!'. Fuck off, it's fresh. We get it. You're not going to get my taste buds running with some old dude talking like he's had a stroke.

There are more examples than I can wag my dick at, but the one that's been particularly getting my goat lately has been the Harvey's 'Big Harv' commercial. I don't know about where you live, but it's on literally every four commercials here. First of all, shoving a commercial down my throat every ten minutes of my relaxed life isn't going to make me purchase your shitty hamburger. It's going to make me want to shoot you. Then go buy a hamburger from someone else.

Seriously, please stop trying to sell me food in this fashion. I've been avoiding Harvey's since this fucking commercial hit the air just for spite. The last fucking thing I need is some 65 year old man's deep, slightly raspy, honey-toned voice telling me to try a "Big Harrvvv.." because it's got "Six ejeeuccy ounces of mBbuueeff". It sounds like the old fucker is trying to have sex with me, or, possibly wants me to have sex with the sandwich. I'm not sure which, but about the only thing I can truly tell from this commercial is that the company execs have had the voice talent practice over and over how to best make me associate the feeling of being sexually violated by old men with their food product. I can't wait until the first time I sit down in Harvey's to take a bite of a Big Harv and flash back to when my uncle raped me as a child and fall crying to the floor with the rest of the customers.

- Azaroth


I guess I'm not so surprised

I feel obligated to update on the situation below with what has happened since, and my opinion on said happenings.

Basically, OSI fixed the exploit in record time. They can't even fix their own bugs that fast, and their 3D client has been in Alpha shape for years now. But I digress.

The exploit has been fixed, and those temporary accounts using the characters Chyloth have been banned. However, reports of real accounts and accounts using only the skill hack remaining ubanned abound. They've also, very surprisingly, decided not to revert and purge the system of all of these hacked characters. Gee, why would this possibly be? Is it that hard to figure out? Am I the only one to add two and two so far today?

OSI is run by EA. A soulless, conniving super-company that gobbles up small game companies like OSI for breakfast and makes them shit out buggy cash cows to improve the overall bottom line of big momma. Catching on yet?

It's been said that there were 200,000 characters created with hacked skills. That seems inordinately high at first, but makes more sense when you get down to it:

There are a lot of people playing UO. There are a lot of people with their ears open, looking to cash in on different things with the advent of Ebay (which OSI/EA love, by the way - it's keeping them in business). This is a big one. Word not only gets around quick, but right now people have the ability to create 15 day free trial accounts, which is why the exploit was so incredibly widespread. You can bet there were people out there making 50 accounts and 5 characters each. In fact, it only takes 5,000 people making 8 trial accounts with 5 characters each to reach that magic number of 200,000 hacked characters. And that's only if they're making accounts on one shard, so add that up. It adds up to: entirely possible. Even probable.

Now, what the fuck is your point, Az, you ask? The point, if you haven't thrown it all together yet, is that people weren't making these accounts so that they could have 10 accounts with 5 GM taming characters for themselves. They weren't making up a Christmas present for little Jimmy. The vast, vast majority of these people were making accounts for sale - on Ebay and elsewhere. That means that these 15-day trial accounts now become paying accounts that improve the bottom line of the mother ship. You can bet your ass that the boys at Origin got a call from the boys at EA about 2 hours after this thing hit with explicit instructions to not revert, to not ban existing, paying accounts, and to not ban 15-day trial accounts with hacked characters. Only to ban those accounts, or even just the trial accounts, of those using the Chyloth (red death shroud, magic item wielding, and thusly only 'visible' to the general population) character.

And you know what? Maybe there's nothing wrong with what they've done afterall. They've extended and increased the profitability of a dead, seven-year-old game by further ruining it, and proving they just don't give a shit about it. But all they've been doing for the past three years is extending and increasing the profitability of a five, six, and seven-year-old game by ruining it and proving they don't give a shit about it. Plus, they turned a negative happening into a huge cash payoff. And that's what a good company does. Right? I mean, it can be wrong all it wants, but morals and ethics go directly out the window when any company is looking for dough.

I think this can be officially hailed as the death of Ultima Online. EA's purchase stabbed it, UO:R shot it in the face, and AOS kicked the shit out of it while it lay on the ground, struggling to breathe. This is probably it, though. Things like taking down servers that will come in the future is nothing more than a funeral. And, unfortunately, for most of us, it'll be a closed casket service. No one wants to look at what happened, or what will remain.

Wow, that was even a little creepy for me.

Anyway, Developers of future MMORPGs out there, that have promise to become something great - you can learn from this. Do not fucking sell out to a big ass company like EA. Namely EA.

Maybe you'll make less money in the short run. Hell, maybe you'll end up making less money in the long run, I don't fucking know. One thing I do know is that your creation will still be your creation, your company will still be your company, and you can avoid this whole utter fucking mess that has taken one of the greatest games of all time and put it on future top 999 lists.

- Azaroth


Power Up! $0!

No free magic moments, though folks. Sorry.

I was directed to a website the other day, and warned that the new program being put out by one "Tavu" could have a negative effect on IPY. He wouldn't release any details about it, and the way I was directed to it led me to believe that this was a program designed to hack player run shards.

Oh baby, was I wrong.

He released the program early, and since his boards were down, Rixus and I figured it was likely just a virus. Wrong again, flanders.

Now, just a little history:

Origin took a perfectly good game, one of the best damn games ever in my opinion, and made it so that newbies could create advanced characters in a very short period of time, flooding the servers with 1 month 7xGM accounts. EA decided they needed a hook, or some virtual crack, since they had gotten rid of all of their loyal veteran customers and these new dumbasses were only playing for three months, so they made it so everyone and their retarded grandmother could obtain crazily coloured shit of all types, and spent their time working on adding a new blue staff spawn every month. Reserved before UO:R, LBR, and AOS for a select, chosen few who completed a very rare Seer (being a volunteer, were also tanked along with counselors for cheap Pakistani labour) quest, thus not hurting anyone and actually making it kind of cool. Now everyone who still plays UO faces a bout of brain cancer in the future because of all the neon shit they have to stare at wherever they go. Every time I see a screen shot of west Britain bank I die a little inside.

It was your exploit OSI, it just got crammed down your throats.

Tavu's program allows you to create characters with 90s in skill right off the bat. It also allows the creation of characters with over 255 stats, over 700 skill points, and lets you create some crazy items like coloured staves and death shrouds.

There are reports of over 200,000 hacked characters being created in the last 12 hours. I have no idea if it's that high. I just think it's funny as fuck that EA (let's not kid ourselves, OSI was assimilated long ago) got smacked in the face with the same cock they've been using to lure in faggots with a taste for hot pink and instant gratification since 2000.

Unfortunately they'll probably end up fixing the holes that allowed the program to work and reverting. I guess the best you can hope for is that it takes a long time to fix so the revert ends up being a week and people get super pissed with them.

Also, if you plan on using this program, just a word of warning: Don't create the character named Chyloth, and don't use any of the high ban risk options, because they've got their bannings down to like five minutes now. I think you can still get away with plenty of the lesser options though.

For your next stunt, Tavu, I suggest a program that makes Trammel into Super Trammel, where no one can attack anything. Monsters have 1 hp. Gold and resources are created out of thin air, and PvP is deleted entirely so maybe the lameasses who are still playing UO to PvP will finally quit givng OSI their money.

- Azaroth


Matrix Revelations

Well, the Matrix trilogy is at an end. After seeing the final installment of the series I can't say I'm disappointed in it being over.

I think the Wachowski brothers lost track of what made the original Matrix (and even part 2) so great. Leading-edge technology used to pull us in and amazing fight scenes. It wasn't the parallel story of Neo and Jesus Christ that brought me back.

Here's the problem. If you cared about the Christian allegory, then you knew what was going to happen in the third movie. If you didn't care and just wanted to see the awe inspiring fights, then you'll have next to nothing in the third movie for you. Either way, its a pretty boring 2 hours.

The fight scenes are what had me interested, so naturally I was disappointed. Lets break down the three movies for their fight scenes : Matrix - Trinity bashing the four cops, Neo training fight against Morpheus, Morpheus fights Agent Smith in bathroom, Neo and Trinity rescuing Morpheus (very long), and Neo vs Agent Smith in subway.

Matrix Reloaded - Neo against 3 agents at meeting, Seraph testing Neo, the infamous 100 Agent Smith fight (a 5.5 minute long fight I might add), Neo fighting Merovingian's crew, and of course the highway scene which was long and had 2 distinct fight scenes in it.

Matrix Revolutions - The 15 second fight getting into the club, the 15 second fight in the club, 30 seconds for Neo to get his ass kicked irl by Bane, and the final flying around fight with Agent Smith - wow, that's not much. Two additional scenes, but they don't really count for me since there's no intense hand to hand combat that the Matrix until now was known for. They were the fight with the gun-check crew, but haven't we seen a gun battle with a lot of pillars somewhere before? And the gun battle at the dock - good scene but not enough to watch the whole movie for.

Furthermore, supposedly Matrix 3 picks up minutes after Matrix 2 stops, but out of nowhere Neo is calling Trinity "Trin"? Granted, its his girlfriend and all so a nickname isn't out of the question, but to have it so suddenly introduced and overused just seemed poorly done. Also, after being a key player in Matrix 2 and the first half of the film - the Merovingian just disappears, but the bit part of the architech is back? Pfft.

If you haven't been suckered into seeing this thing yet, wait for it to come out on dvd to watch it.

- Nighthawk


Back From The Pit? Keep Diggin'

If anything, they busted out the heavy equipment and dug THROUGH the rockbed.

Recently I had read that the creators of The Simpsons had brought back an Executive Producer from the old days, were reworking the animation, and were going to bring the show back into it's 'glory days' form. I had my reservations, mainly because every time I was promised a better season or a good episode for the last five or six years I was utterly let down time and time again. Seemed to me that The Simpsons, a show I had been a huge fan of (go on, ask me a trivia question, sucker) had simply turned into a cash cow for Fox and would live out its days causing agony every Sunday night for every loyal fan. It seemed doomed to go from "Absolute Classic!" to "Eh... had it's seasons, I guess..".

Then I started hearing the hype about this new season coming up. Could it possibly be getting back on track? Could we have another five years, or even more, of GOOD Simpsons? I didn't want to let myself get too excited, so I quietly bottled up my geeky Simpsons fanboy emotions and waited for Sunday night.

So it's Sunday night.

I guess.

Yeah, it looks like they reworked the animation. Added in some shadows here and there, made it a little less clean-cut. But completely and horribly missed the point. I've never seen someone miss the point so badly in my life. It wasn't that the animation wasn't dark enough and that there weren't enough ultra minor inconsistencies in the general animation, although that did make up a part of it. A small part of it. It's about the art being clearly done on computers by chinese children shipped in bamboo boxes to Korea. It's just not got no feeling to it, and the words escape me to describe the situation any better. I don't think it's something anyone can help you with. You know what you were doing at the time, and if you can't find a way to recapture it, no one can do it for you. I mean, short of putting out a "HOLY FUCK HELP US ARTISTS" call, seeing if there are any hardcore Simpsons fans out there that happen to be artists, and then having a good enough pool of them to be able to pick out the ones that can do it right.

Since no company is driven further by anything other than greed - trust me, getting it right would mean a whole assload of money. I'm not sure that that should be the point, but I guess it is.

As far as the rest of the show, or the fucking meat: There was none. There was no meat. They changed the animation a bit, it didn't impress anyone. It wasn't a big deal, they essentially did nothing. They changed the jokes, and the writing. Not only did it not impress anyone, but it damn fucking near made me put a brick through my TV screen.

They had NOTHING. They just didn't have ANYTHING. I swear, if you missed this pathetic excuse for an episode of The Simpsons, first you thank yourself, and then you be assured that I'm UNDER exaggerating when I tell you that I could've laid down a large piece of paper, shoved a pen up my dog's ass, and had him fucking drag out a better script than that. They had nothing. It was like watching a comedian absolutely bomb on his one big shot. It was painful. I could barely watch. It caused me more pain than the time I drove a 2x4 and put my knuckle back to my wrist. And it will cause me more residual pain than the athritis I'm sure to get from that. If the people in the apartments around me thought they had it bad when Calvillo dropped the ball for a touchdown this afternoon, they hadn't heard a damn thing yet. I was whining, moaning, and complaining my entire way through it. It was absolutely painful to watch. I could barely stay on the couch. They had nothing.

If you've ever watched something and thought "I could write a better show/movie/commerical for Stagg chilli in five minutes, I swear to fucking God", this was it. This was the epitome of "Do you ACTUALLY find your writers in shelters and pay them in day-old cornbread?".

I guess I should've read articles like this BEFORE I got myself hyped up and watched the episode. If I would've read it instead of trying not to spoil anything for myself, I would've noticed that, yes, there is a little hype in there about the new season, but it's mostly going ON and ON and ON about how fucking GREAT last season was. Give me a fucking break. Queer Eye for the Yellow Guy indeed.

It's a shame that The Simpsons has now officially gone from an absolute classic and timeless series and a cultural staple to being a mediocre fad that had it's moments at best. Stop the destruction NOW, before people start regarding this once-ultra-classic as nothing more than a couple seasons of decency preceded and followed by utter trash. Of course, I guess they already do. Stop the destruction now before they consider The Simpsons absolute trash altogether. Even the hardcore fans like myself are leaning that way.

It's your baby, pull the plug. Stop taking big cash payoffs from Fox and do something to preserve what little dignity your creation has left. Won't somebody please think of the children.

Who I have to explain to in the future that this really was a good show.

For a while.

Worst. Episode. Ever.

- Azaroth

Just Lie To Me

So, I made a detour to CNN this afternoon just to see what was kicking. Seems some Iraqi doctors have been disputing the claims that Jessica Lynch was raped, which led me to wonder who the fuck was lying about this one. I mean, someone's always gotta be lying about something. No one can just tell the fucking truth. If your ass is wrong, you have to lie to make yourself look right. If you're right, you have to lie to make yourself look MORE right.

Are the Iraqi doctors lying because they're sympathizers of the Hussein government? Because they just don't like the Americans (note: These doctors WERE working for the Americans, and not everyone with brown skin hates America, remember)?

Is Jessica Lynch lying because she wants to sell more books? Because the Army told her to?

Is the Army/US lying because they want to further vilify the Iraqis and make themselves look like the good guys? I mean, again?


After you get done reading about how the stories of her being a hero were completely and 100% fraudulent and concocted by the army, you'll get down to the part where she was awarded every medal under the sun. Usually reserved for people who actually did something, medals meant something once upon a time. You got a Purple Heart in WWII? Good for you, I salute what you've done. You get a twelve different medals for crashing your vehicle, cowering on your knees, not firing a shot (because your gun was "jammed" - translated into "I was crying too much to shoot"), getting kidnapped, and then getting rescued by some REAL heroes? You'll find the last thing I do is salute you. My time is better spent having a quick friendly chat with the veteran selling poppies at the Swiss Chalet truck stop after supper on my way back from Toronto.

If you can stomach the part about her getting the medals, you'll find yourself reading how unnamed US officials said she "fought to the death", more stuff about her being a useless twat, comments about how the rescue was FILMED (absolutely sickening, give me a fucking break you cocksuckers), more shit about the army lying, and, finally, a little something about a medical record indicating that she had been raped, which is what the Iraqi doctors are disputing. Her personal comment on the subject is that she can't remember. Could the medical record have POSSIBLY been forged?

Hey, come on. Why do there have to be six hundred lies circling every fucking turd that hits the ground? Christ, even if the army isn't lying about this, they've got me believing they are just for the sheer amount of other lies they spin on a daily fucking basis. If I've got no trust in anything certain people say, that's not my fucking fault - that's their fault. Maybe if you'd stop lying to me in every situation that you CAN lie to me, I'd be a bit more trusting.

Of course, not everyone gets mad about all the lying. Mainly because the general population has the memory capacity of a two year old.

Remember the Incubator Babies? Of course not.

- Azaroth


I Don't Mind You Dying

I think the title says it all, but I'll expound on that a bit. I've gotten several emails from idiots around the country proclaiming their RIGHT to not wear a helmet. I don't think you simpletons understood. I thought it strange that one thing (motorcycle helmets) that could save a life was allowed to be disregarded while another thing (bicycle helmets) that in 90% of accidents wouldn't save a life is enforced.

I used to own a motorcycle racing team. My rider and many others at the track would sit around and talk and I can assure you that this law came up more than once. These men, some of the best riders in the country, would NEVER ride without a helmet on the street. Why? Because you never know what some other fool is going to do. Being on a motorcycle puts you at an immediate weight and protection disadvantage against everything else on the road - willingly lessening your chance of survival if something goes wrong is just idiotic.

That aside, let me say that I am all for repealing motorcycle helmet laws around the country. Let's up the ante, shall we? Make not wearing your seatbelt legal! I am 100% behind allowing morons the opportunity to take themselves out of the genepool.

If you want to be one of them, that's up to you. Be my guest.

- Nighthawk


A Day of Asininity

Two things happened today that make me shake my head and wonder wtf people were thinking.

First, the US Treasury is releasing a new nickel. I bet you didn't know that - wanna know why? Because there's barely been a word about it anywhere. Who cares, right? Well, when they spend $53 million on advertising for the new bills, I just found it a bit odd that no one knew about the new coin until they're in circulation.

Second, Florida has no helmet law forcing people who ride motorcycles to protect their head from possible splattering. Fine, you wanna be an idiot, be my guest. The asinine thing is that they have a helmet law for people riding bicycles. So lemme get this straight... on something where the average fall skins a knee, I need a helmet - but if I wreck on a motorcycle without a helmet they could be scooping my brains off the ground with a spoon and that's ok? Fuckin retarded people.

On a pretty fucked up side note, Jessica Lynch's book explains that she was raped by the Iraqis that captured her during the war. Not just raped, but anally raped...


- Nighthawk


Bubba the Love Sponge

The past three weeks I've been working down in Jacksonville, Florida and in that time I've stumbled across a syndicated morning show I've never heard before - Bubba the Love Sponge. I was planning on writing a pretty positive review of his show because they actually played this bit on the radio which almost caused me to wreck my car laughing.

Unfortunately, as I'm driving into work today I hear a very strange show. Bubba and his underlings are discussing farting and how funny it is. I'm thinking "Ok, a little juvenile, but they're catering to the lowest common denominator here." They continue on this course further saying that they like to fart in cars, trapping their significant others with the doors/windows locked. The radio goes off when I hear "Farts are so funny.... they give me the giggles. When my wife tries to put down the window its like she doesn't understand that the smell is part of the fun!"

Needless to say my impression of the BTLS show went down a few notches. However, that Battle of the Sexes bit linked above is worth listening to.

- Nighthawk