No, were not dead.

I canít speak for Nighthawk and Ron, but myself I have been busy as shit lately. The little bit of free time I have had has been devoted to a bit of gaming, thus not leaving squat for the web page. In any event, I thought I would take a moment to share with you what Iíve been playing lately and why. In order of whatís been killing the most of my time, here goes:

1. Allegiance: Mix Homeworld with Freespace and Starcraft, and this is what ya get. This is one of the few games I played in beta and actually went on to buy. The documentation with the game as well as the MSN Zone sucks ass, but hey, you take the good with the bad.

2. Ultima Online: Now before you all say ďOh God no!Ē Log into the test center. The new test I gotta say is pretty cool. You can customize your characters on the spot without searching for any gay advancement gates and you basically start out with a million in gold. It makes for some truly great PK vs. Anti wars. Being able to jump from a dex monkey to tank mage in a matter of seconds makes for some pretty interesting PvP. Good clean murder and carnage for the whole family.

And on another note... Yes, that Greybeard that hangs out between Minoc and Vesper that Pked you, killed your horse, made a explicit sexual reference about your mother then res killed you twice really was me, Im still the same old bastard.

3. Team Fortress Classic: This Half Life mod still rocks after all this time. I gotta tell you people, there is no greater feeling than camping in the shadows only to drill the first silly bastard that pops into view right between the eyes with your sniper rifle and send his body flying through the air like tinkerbell. Oh yeah, spamming enemy snipers with MIRV grenades is fun too, they like it.

4. The Sims: A fun game, but gets tiresome after a while. Eventually you find yourself getting bored and dropping microwaves into the bathtub while your little sim is taking a shower. Not very nice, but that little dance they do as they convulse to death is fun to watch. Try setting the house on fire too, they like it.
- Greybeard


I'm out of Freon.

While I was logged into AC yesterday partaking in the usual routine of vitae removal, it hit me square in the 3rd eye why it is exactly that all of the leading online games suck.

No matter whether it's UO, AC, or EQ, it all boils down to the same distinct fact : Over time, their repetitive nature leads one to absolute boredom. When I really think about it, I didn't quit UO necessarily because I refused to give OSI another lost dime from under the couch cushion like some people (though I of course would still never give them that fucking dime), I quit because it bored me to tears after 2 years of the same shit day in and day out. EverQuest had the exact same bore factor in a much different way, and it of course came much quicker simply because I had gone through the boredon of a year and change of UO, so I was already experienced in living the online life of an extremely bored motherfucker.

Now, with AC, I can say the same boredom has reared its ugly nose on my sleeve. It has nothing to do with AC being a bad game or anything, it's just because after now UO and EverQuest and 3 years of a rigorous cockspanking schedule, my experiences in annoying repetitition rival that of watching a junior high soccer game. Interest is simply lost sometime after the 4th kick. There's nothing I can really do about it. What it all boils down to, is I am pretty sure my AC days are now over, as the thought of buffing again makes me feel like a busy day at work. Hell, if you think about it, even running for a town raid to my favorite hot spot takes me longer than it does to even drive to work in heavy traffic. Add in the every 15 minute buff ritual to the mix, and it equates to an entire day of well, work. And for what? Some level 3 schmuck shopping that all 7 of us can kill. I'm afraid I'll stick to something else. When I even feel like playing a game anymore, it's usually something along the lines of Planescape/Torment, or a random Playstation game - and even those get repetitive, but at least the story changes as you go. That at least keeps renewing your interest as you drive the story. Even most of those I can't finish anymore though, as by the time I get to the 5th disc, I'm either so burnt out or I have no idea where I left off or what I was doing when I stopped playing the previous month. For instance, Final Fantasy VIII. Lord help you if you quit playing that game a month ago and are trying to now figure out what the fuck you were doing. The only thing I can remember is that there's no fucking way I would start over again even if paid, thus, fuck it, and consider it another 49.99 pissed down the chute.

Online games, regardless of their shoddy stories, those are endless. Think about that, no end and all. Imagine there not being an end to Dances with Wolves. Good movie, yeah, good story, yeah, but just how long can you stand hearing Kevin Costner narrate? It's similar to buffing. Everytime I fizzle and finally cast Armor VI, I can hear Kevin Costner writing a journal entry about preparing to visit Food In His Ear for the 24th time that summer. Perhaps I'm mental, but that's just how it is. I've had enough. Back to the drawing board with me.

And what of the future? I'll be damned if I am going to be an E3 goon and feel as if it's necessary to hype a bunch of fucking games that just might be out before 2004. I have bigger fish to fuck. I could tell even Rich was kind of not belonging there, when I asked him how the trip went, he just replied "pretty boring." (Rich is an anti-hype kind of guy, he gives just as many shits, minus one, about future games as I do). Besides, by the time any new game arrives I might be halfassedly interested in playing, my mighty Zoltrix modem will be the same kind of modem the 3rd graders are dialing into Oregon Trail with in the Computer Lab. Won't be a game out there I'd be able to play. I find it easier to sit and think about how fucking good this Marlboro is going to be after my plate of spaghetti and margarine than to contemplate another online life with Shadowbane, or UO2 : OWOO as it's now referred.

Anyone else bored out of their skulls with the current state of shit? If not, could you please explain to me how to make my palm as interesting as it used to be? I already tried the left handed routine, but it worked out for me about as much as pissing sitting down. Recommendations? - Ron

E3 Rundown

What is E3? It's the Electronic Entertainment Expo - basically a big convention where companies like Sega, Nintendo, EA, etc show off their upcoming games. It was held in Los Angeles, CA and I flew my happy ass out there.

The first night ot there I met JP and Notoriousgod from my AC JoV guild. We hit a movie and quickly discovered that you can walk right past everyone without paying if you just look like you don't give a fuck. BTW, Gladiator is a pretty decent movie. I'd recommend it.

Anyhow, I get to the convention the next day and MPlayer.com hooked me up with a pass so that I didn't have to pay the $200 to get in. They were holding the triple threat competition which included the Quake 3 tournament that my friend was out there to play in. Ironically, now he and I have both (separately) won all expense paid trips to California because of a video game (I won thanks to Virtual World back in 1996). Anyhow, the first thing I discovered about the convention was that very few of the games interested me. The only thing that was consistently interesting (the first day) were the booth babes. Booth babes are the hot chicks that the gaming companies use to get you to give a fuck about their booth long enough to maybe catch a glimpse of their game. I'll admit, I had my picture taken with one. However, unlike a lot of people, I wasn't willing to stand in LINE to have a picture taken with some misc bimbo that doesn't give two shits about you - I just grabbed and snapped a pic. It was amusing to see people who were so entralled with the chicks they'd stand in line...

I also discovered that I cannot ride a mechanical bull to save my life. I also discovered that the handle you hold onto on a mechanical bull will hit you square in the balls if you don't know what you're doing. Lucky me.

Friday was by far the most eventful day of my trip. I got to meet DrTwister and Zander which was a definite pleasure. I did miss Lum, although from what I hear had I been anywhere near him I couldn't have missed him - apparently, he's a large fellow. DrT, Zander and I made our way over to the Shadowbane demo. Umm... that game looks like it's going to be pretty fuckin solid. The Wolfpack guys were great hosts getting beer and pizza delivered to the trailer as we lounged around asking endless questions about the game. I'm actually somewhat looking forward to that game now. Damn them. ;)

I had to leave the meeting with Wolfpack a bit early to see my friend, Twilight, play in the Quake 3 tournament. Unfortunately, he didn't fare as well as we would have liked. I guess hanging out with the MPlayer booth babes would have to suffice for his highlight at the event (I knew you guys would love the chick pics, so - you're welcome). What's strange is some ego-maniac kid who gets PAID to play in Quake tournaments won it... I can't imagine being paid six figures to play a video game professionally. I'd like to imagine it, but I just can't.

My final day in California was Saturday. The only thing convention oriented I had left to do was try to find the Turbine booth. Well, it turned out that they only had stuff for media behind closed doors. So, the four of us decided it was time to break the law. BTW, the Hollywood sign is WAY up there and finding the closest place to park is a complete pain in the ass. My friend, Neil, and I stopped for a picture a scant 100 feet from the base of the sign. That was close enough for me considering it was hot as fuck and a bit of a climb to get back off the mountain.

I didn't really go out there for just the convention, but it ended up dominating too much of my time. All in all it wasn't horrible, but I did get a flight back the day before I'd planned just because I was over being out there.
- Nighthawk


Well this sucks

As I said before, I was pretty eager to go check out Battlefield Earth this weekend. Unfortunately, every critic on the planet pretty much says that the movie is about as enjoyable as a sharp stick in the eye. Now normally I am not that swayed by movie critic reviews, but damn, this time nearly ALL of them said this movie sucked ass. Guess this weekend I'm heading off to check out Gladiator after all. On another note, our forum has been host to a lively discussion of religion and broccoli. We need all the retarded commentary in there that we can get, so feel free to join in. - Greybeard


No housing on test center.. Bah

It's hard to run around rampantly murdering innocent victims on test center without having a house to drop off your loot at. Oh well, at least we can still antagonize the councelors in town... - Greybeard


Aliens and Earthlings and Cults, oh my!

I couldnít help but stumble across several sites like this one, and I gotta tell you it reconfirms my lack of faith in humankind. I for one plan to go see Battlefield Earth this weekend. Not because I have been brainwashed by Scientologists, but because I thought the book kicked a lot of ass. Personally, I think Scientology is indeed a laughable religion (then again, I think most organized religions are laughable) but thatís another story altogether. If some bozo cult gets a piece of my $7.50 at the box office, big deal. At least Iíd feel better about it than putting a couple bucks in Will Smithís pocket for Wild Wild West. I still wonder why the fuck I actually bought that DVD. - Greybeard


I'm Pre-Approved for some mad APR

I think I've discussed before a good estimation of just how extremely horrid my credit record has been the past couple of years. It all boils to the simple fact that any credit card company out there would prefer a brain anurism to giving my dumb ass another credit card. I have this uncanny ability of maxing those damned things before I even receive my PIN number.

Now in light of this, and yes, 4 denied Credit Card applications in the past 4 months, I receive the following in my mail, in the course of two days. Now, before this list, please know that I haven't paid my Union Bank of California Mastercard in well over 4 months(which now possesses a -17.77 balance), I have like $1.37 in my Visa and every dime I give them I just ATM right back out within the following posting day, and I have a credit collection agency harassing me for 9 months now for 3 different $90.00 Blockbuster Video late fees in 3 different US cities. I have to drive to Michigan to rent a fuckin movie. On top of this, I haven't paid the Feds or the State of California my 1998 taxes yet, and I owe both OH and CA, and the fuckin Feds, another $1,700.00 on my 1999 Taxes. I pay my Earthlink and Marlboro tab on time each month though, so I have that going for me.

Now, back to the list, I receive the following in my mail today and yesterday :

MasterCard : Congratulations Jason, You're Pre-Selected for a Household Bank Gold MasterCard credit card with no annual fee and a credit line up to $5,000.00, and a competitive 18.49% APR.

MasterCard, again : YOU'RE PRE-APPROVED FOR A NEW ORCHARD BANK MASTERCARD!! Your annual fee of $89.00 will be conveniently billed to your credit card account.

Discover You're Pre-Approved for an 11.99% fixed APR Discover Private Issue Card and a credit line up to $10,000.00.

MasterCard, yet againYou're Pre Approved for the Quicken Platnum MasterCard with only 3.9% APR. (And the kicker with this particular card is I can get a complete detailed and comprehensive picture of my credit card activity day and night, 7 nights a week.) Oh yeah, and it says right here that it saves me Time and Money. Fuckin A.

Visa : As our preferred customer (let's remember I haven't paid the fucks in almost half a year, yet now I am on their preferred customer list. Fuckin A) you're pre approved for a California Platinum Edition Visa with a 3.9% APR. What's cool about this card here is that it notes here that I'll benefit from a long list of SAVINGS and OPPORTUNITIES that will add to my personal botton line. If they only knew my bottom line. Oh yeah, my credit line could be up to $100,000 it says, too. Fuckin A.

MasterCard again, Fuckin A : Lock in now on this low offer of 1.9% APR your pre approved Citibank Platinum Select MasterCard, with no annual fees. I get substantial savings on purchases with this card, plus some pretty elite exclusive benefits it says. SAVE BIG JASON, it says right here as well. This one has a lot of asterisks though. I am not so sure I trust Citibank.

MasterCard, obviously die hard fans of my credit work : Jason, you have been pre approved for this Capital One Gold MasterCard with no security deposit required! I can buy shit at 16 million different places with this here card. And with this new card in my hand, it says here I wouldn't have to worry about running out of cash when I need it most. Fat.

Discover/Novus You're Pre-Approved for the no annual-fee Discover Platinum Card with the privilege of a low 2.9% APR. I still don't understand why this particular Discover Card has 9% less APR than the previous Discover Card I am pre approved for that I received on the same day as this one. Oh yeah, this one has a 2% Cashback Bonus. On this one though, I have to put a shiny little silver scratch & sniff sticker on my acceptance form though. I can't peel it off without it tearing. Fuckin stickers.

MasterCard, leave me alone assholes : Dear Jason, you're invited to apply for your pre approved Chase Manhattan Platinum MasterCard with a credit line up to $100,000. Savings that last - with no surprises What's pretty funny about this one is that line I just bolded was actually asterisked. I looked for the footnote but I couldn't find it. I think they're fucking with me.

American Express : Dear Jason, due to your outstanding financial history, you've been pre approved for the American Express Gold card, blah blah same old shit the other cards say. Except it appears this one you have to pay off your entire balance each month, and I have decided fuck all that noise.

Now, what I'd like to ask you here now is, why are these cockknockers filling my living room floor with more trash when they deny me all of my pre-approved low APR savings as soon as I finally get the god damned sticker onto my acceptance form. Each of those respective companies tell me time and time again that the chances of me getting a new credit are lower than OSI implementing Necromancy in their upcoming patch.

I anxiously await the day I am out of toilet paper. Being pre-approved owns. I hear applying for credit cards and getting denied is outstanding for your credit, so I can't wait to see how many more banks out there find me to be a preferred customer after I peel all of these nifty stickers off and mail them in from the office postage machine. If you are looking for any financial advice, I'm your man. Also, to add a little extra flavor to your favorite six pack, take it out of the fridge and put it into your trunk for a day, then re-refrigerate. You'll get a Killer buzz dude.

Give me money. - Ron


Player Gathering at E3

Got this email :

One way or another I have learned that you may be at E3 this year. I've been three consecutive previous years and have yet to do this, (I still wonder why), but I'm going to invite any and everyone to the GodGames "Promised Lot" across the street from the main (South Hall) of the LA convention center on Friday, May 12.

If interested, I'd recommend getting there at 12:30 PM. The reasons for choosing the GOD games setup is that they have a free lunch around that time for all E3 attendees (You must have an E3 badge to get in) and also, as a side benefit, they are hosting Shadowbane this year.

Feel free to forward this around or post it on web sites.

The goal of the get together is to have a common date and time for UO players to meet, grab a bite to eat (cheap -- no $50 pizza slices here), and get drunk if you want. Oh, and to discuss the current state of online gaming or something like that.

I and a few friends will be there at 12:30 sharp, probably in my stylin "l33t LIEK JEFFK" T-Shirt.

Let me know if this works for you. Everyone attending E3 is invited.

- Michael A. Cornelius
aka Newton Dragon

If any of you are looking for when/where to find me, I'll be there.
- Nighthawk


And now, highly intelligent reader questions.

Sometimes I am filled with awe by some of the astute readers this site boasts, and this one kind of takes the Chalupa. So to be polite, I'll answer this difficult question Jeopardy style.

----- Original Message -----
From: Tyler Gill
To: ron@wtfman.com
Sent: Saturday, May 06, 2000 6:14 PM
Subject: Flash

What program do you use to make the Flash animations and where could I get it? I'm making a website and would like to have some of the links and stuff being shockwave.


What game do you get those UO screenshots from? I'm making a website and would like to have some UO screenshots, but am not sure which game to get the pictures from.


- Ron


Turbine owns me

Everytime there's a problem, even if it's a problem only for pvp'ers (jump logging), they're all over it. The removal of jump logging alone was enough to get me erect, but then they killed the money exploit, added a fantastic spellbar, a whole new town and all that is in addition to the monthly event. If they only made it so you could create a character with the word "Night" in it so I could actually be "Nighthawk" in game, then I'd be getting the address for Turbine to send them some hookers.

I gotta go with Azile on this one. This most recent patch in Asheron's Call completely owns me. Good job Turbine - that's exactly what I was expecting and more.

- Nighthawk


Even Papa John wonders What the Fuck sometimes.

There's a Fed Ex containing documents (sent to the wrong address - but en route to me as we speak) from some Executive at Papa John's, Inc. asking me to remove their copyrighted logo as well as any statement that would lead anyone to believe they were a sponsor, or endorser of our site, or they promise me a skullfucking sometime in the near future.

Perhaps one of you retards out there actually thought they would stoop so low as to actually pay us to advertise their vine-ripened fresh tomato sauce on this particular domain.

So to clarify, I have removed that nifty "Our Sponsors" *.jpg, as I was certainly never meaning to imply that we were actually sponsored monetarily by Papa John and his band of pizza making cronies.

And as far as the copyrighted logo goes, I am still looking for a copyright symbol on the blurry, edited variation of the Papa John logo we currently wave around on this site to support the best pizza any computer slug with the midnight munchies can buy with a personal check from a long closed Huntington Bank account, so if you could be so kind as to show me such a copyright, please feel free to do so.

In the meantime, I shall continue to support my local Papa John's, and I ask all of you to do the same. You know that garlic sauce owns you.

Feed your face. You're hungry. And don't forget to tip, you cheap fuck.

- Ron

Wanna know why we don't post much?

Its a catch-22 being a WTFMan.

1> Post about our adventures in game - people say we're bragging

2> Talk about improvements we'd like to see in our game of choice (AC for Ron and I - UO for grey) - we're told we're whining or can't handle the game as is

3> Tell people that UO is an overpatched piece of shit, we're told we're disgruntled ex-players and that we actually wish we were still playing. (not even if you paid me)

4> Link to sites, pictures or movies that are not gaming related and WTFMan.com should be shut down because its not as good as it used to be when we only talked about UO

Well, I can almost agree with the assessment in #4. I don't think my posts are nearly as interesting, funny, whatever as they used to be. Ron got to the point of talking about picking his nose and Grey actually posted porn. The reason? Its simple, our original passion for UO will never be duplicated. It was a unique experience and all three of us excelled at playing the game while being evil bastards at it. It made for good story time which in turn made for good posts. AC is a far better game (IMHO), but the newness of "I've never done this before" just isn't there.

As we've been saying for years, if you don't like what we post, if you find us boring, or if you just are a whiney person - feel free to never visit again, because you're a fuckhead. And we don't want fuckheads visiting us. Go away.
- Nighthawk