Cant we all just get along?

Welp, here is my take on the shots fired across the bow by all of us UO rant sites recently over this whole Origin shake up:

Azile - Kudos to you babe, you hit it right on the head. Lum's instant backpeddling over his breaking of the story was indeed pretty comical. While not always tactful (like I'm one to talk, heh) you call a spade a spade. That nonwithstanding, I still wont buy any stock from you.

Jinx - Ok, not like its the first time I've been told to go fuck myself. Sex with a partner can sometimes be overrated anyways so I have been told. I still stand by my position of having no sympathy whatsoever for Garriott and think your wishing him luck is a silly gesture at best. When the guy's net worth creeped into the 8 digit range, I somehow doubt that "remaining true to his vision" was a factor anymore. The "Legacy" of Lord British went into the shitter back about the same time someone offered him several million dollars for it and he accepted. Everything thats came since (Ultimas 8,9 UO and the forthcoming UO2) have been nothing but the product of a major corporation looking to suck some bucks out of Joe Consumers pocket. Anyone who believes that Garriott's "dream" was any more than that at the end, is dillusional. In any event, when you got that kind of cash you dont need good luck anyways, just a good broker.

Lum - What can I say? Bar none you have the most well known and mainstream site out there for the UO populace. You broke the story while we were all picking our noses and r0xxing one another. So what if you had to do a little bit of PR arse smooching in the end. You more so than us have a more civil relationship with Origin, and therefore have a different level of respectabilty to maintain. If we piss on you from time to time because of it, its just the by-product of frustration and an overly active bladder.

I saw that Azile read a post that suggested we all get on Jerry Springer and have a slugfest. I for one am all for it, just send me a ticket. On second thought, despite that fact that I'm 6'5, 270 lbs, Lum's better half sounds a bit militant. She might kick all our asses combined. That my friends, is a screen shot I dont look forward to seeing anytime soon. - Greybeard


I hear she's been givin' that shit out to all them grafiti guys.

I can't fucking stand it when someone else posts something that I wanted to have posted in my own words regarding a bunch of fucking tools.

He stole my kill, the whore.

Now I have nothing to bitch about. - Ron

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on

I had no plans to post on the firing of Richie from Origin, but I couldnt help but notice a little snippet that Jinx posted:

"After all the jokes and cracks about Richard, I grieve for him. Ultima is his child. It wouldn't exist if not for him."

Garriott can juggle my hairy sack.. I dont feel the least bit of pity for him. He cashed out when he sold Origin off to EA and now he is reaping what he has sewn. Maybe if he had spent more time making sure his company turned out better products than Ultima IX rather than taking submarine trips to the Titanic and building castles, he wouldnt of gotten put out on his ass. Everyone also seems to conviently forget that the UO we know and love, was a sorry assed bugfest from the word go that took 2 years to finally get some halfway decent code. Anyone else notice that EQ has kicked the shit out of UO commercially? Anyone else notice that Verant, not Origin landed the Star Wars online deal? And for the love of God, dont EVEN get me started on the Wing Commander movie.... Origin has screwed the pooch on numerous occasions and its about time some heads rolled there. Jinx baby, if you want to give some credit to the people that actually made UO into a halfway decent game, thank people like Koster, Sunsword, Calandryll, etc, etc those that still HAVE jobs (for good reason I might add) Hell, maybe now UO2 will even work for those of us who dont have a 3DFX card.

Fact is (and I cant say that I blame him, Im a greedy capitalist pig too) that selling your soul to the Man for a fast buck has its downside, just ask Vanilla Ice. Word.

On a more positive note, we have had word that Richard has been hired as a new spokesman for Newgrounds.com. Tom Fulp was reported as saying "Hey, if you want to know about FDA, ask someone who knows. After today, Dick here is an expert"

Here we see Richard Garriotts explosive outgassing after a prolonged FDA session

- Greybeard

OSI to Garriott : You're Banned

As reported by Lum and Cracked Nuts, Richard Garriott is no longer with EA/OSI. Furthermore, he not only doesn't work there, but he was FIRED.

Now, I can't say that I feel a lot of pity for the guy. He was obviously just a figurehead that was coasting on the checks coming in from an oustanding idea he had 20 years ago. He got to build a fucking castle, so I'd say he had his fill of fun.

What amuses me is that the irony of them firing him is too similar so the bannings of UO. I mean, did he say "gook"? I highly doubt that anyone is going to hold an in-game protest to un-ban him.

As a side note, Ron and I were discussing putting a numerical value on how bad OSI sucks and we've come up with "12". Do with that information what you will.

- Nighthawk


Radio Contest

Got this email today. I figured since I laughed my ass off at it that I should share :

On the morning show at a radio station in Chicago they play a game for prizes usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners.

This particular day it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant:(laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ:"Yes"? Does this mean your are married or what, Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian.
Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian:(laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian:(laughing sheepishly) Well.

DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...
DJ: This sounds good Brian where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.


DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touch tones *ringing*)
Clerk: Kinko's.
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now..
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose. Soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: No
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to DisneyWorld, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT Orlando Magic, they are on strike Sara "helloooooo" anyone home?!?!

Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8 I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING

DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12,15 minutes maybe.
DJ: hhmmmmm
Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?

Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well, It's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...
Sara: BRIAN?!?!
Brian: NO, no I didn't...
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord,..I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass.

(long pause)

DJ: We will be right back.


DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

- Nighthawk

R0xxing to the oldies

Got to thank Jinx for finding this one, and encourage everyone to check out the Ultima Parody Songs page. Only a couple tunes there, but they had me laughing my ass off. It's definately worth a look - Greybeard


Because I know you need one

Click, Click.

- Ron

If only I wasn't a cheap bastard

After having played AC a few months now on the piece of shit graphics card I had in my piece of shit computer, I recently aquired a newer graphics card from Joe that actually possesses 3D capability.

All I can say is I have sure been missing out on what AC is supposed to look like. I wonder how many other games I have dicked around on that were a hell of a lot better looking than what I was experiencing.

For example, let's take a look at this picture (my old card) compared to this picture (new card). Notice a wee bit of a difference? If you're playing the game as shown in picture 1, like, me , thus on what is commonly referred to by your peers as a "piece of shit computer," you need to find yourself a friend who is buying a new computer, so you can get yourself his old leftover graphics card.

Imagine that difference when actually moving around, not in just a still shot. I can't believe I actually played AC in it's old state, I feel like I am playing an entirely new game. All this time Rich has been telling me "Dickhead, get a new card, your shit sucks and you'd be amazed at how much less your shit will suck while of course still sucking if you got a new video card." Turns out he was right. Maybe I should go out on a limb and invest in something besides my hand-crank Zolstrix modem (who the fuck is Zolstrix?) for further online enjoyment. I have always wondered what it's like to load a web page in under 5 minutes, or to run at full speed in AC at level 41 without being passed by level 10 newbies on the way to camp a lifestone.

Maybe if someone gives me an old modem of theres' that doesn't suck the same ass that mine does, I'll find out. I hate buying computer shit. Gimme.

And hey, to elaborate more on Rich's "Question and Answer Time" "Hey will you help me with Flash?" question - No, I won't, I do not even have time nor inclination to do anything in Flash myself, much less help your dumb ass. Besides, look at my shit compared to all of the other shit popping up everywhere these days - my penis is but a tiny one compared to some of these others'. Go bug them for help. I am sure they'll be just as willing to tell you no as I am. Try that "Help -Lessons" or "Help - Tutorials" section. You could actually learn something. That or stop pirating the god damned software and get yourself a manual. if you can read a h4cK3r's site, you can probably read the fuckin purchased manual.

Oh yeah, and I have begun work on an AC Flash movie now that I can export graphics from AC that actually do not suck hairy goat nad. I have all of 21 frames done. Fear it. Shit takes forever. But AC graphics sure look damned better than UO's do, so it might turn out to be quite elite. One day before 2005 I'll have something for you to see.

Until then. - Ron


Stile owns me. Checking the last 20 referrals I note that they're all from Stile and all within the past 5 minutes. Twenty refs in 5 minutes ain't bad. That fucker must get some seriously crazy traffic.

What would you do for head?

- Nighthawk

Question and Answer Time

I seem to keep getting the same questions over and over again, so I figured that I'd just put something up to hopefully get the answers to as many people as possible at once.

Do you guys play UO?

Greybeard does. Ron hasn't played UO since April 1999 and I haven't since October 1999 - he and I play Asheron's Call.

How do I fix my install/login/password/graphics/etc problem in Asheron's Call? What are the system requirements for AC?

No idea. E-mail them, page a sentinal in game, go to their chat room for tech support, or look up the answer on their website. I'm not a resource for AC answers.

Can you help me with Flash stuff?

No. I've never done anything in Flash - I don't have that kind of patience. Ron does all of the WTFMan Flash work, but I'm sure his response would be something along the lines of "I learned it myself by going through the tutorials, so should you." If you want to be lazy, then Flash animation may not be for you (thus why I don't do it - I'm lazy).

Is Asheron's Call cool? Should I get it?

All I can say is that I personally like it. I'm not a fortune teller and I can't predict if you'll like it too. I love the fact that on Darktide you can raid towns, control territory, have actual wars, etc - whether you'll like it or not I don't have a clue. Try it and find out - $40 is a minimal investment to see if you like a game.

Can I join up with your guild in AC?

We don't like taking on low levels because we're a pk guild, but yes we are still taking on people after about 10-15th lvl. That's still damn low, so expect to die a lot for having our guild title on you, but yes, you can join then.

If I join your guild, will you buff me up so I can level faster? Do I get to hunt with you guys on town raids?

No, we won't buff you nor twink you excessively. Advise and hunting (after lvl 25 or so) is what we offer - nothing else. Not to be rude, but my time in AC is limited and I want to spend it killing people or getting higher level so that I can kill people. If you need lots of personal attention or to have your hand held a lot, please look elsewhere for a guild.

What about that quote?

It's humor - get over it.
- Nighthawk


I wish I was dumb

I received this E-Mail from one our prestiged and astute readers in regards to that drunken-stupor of a post back on Patty's Day.

----- Original Message -----
From: bishop1
To: ron@wtfman.com
Sent: Thursday, March 23, 2000 4:53 PM

rip off beck alittle more....

we cant tell

I wonder, could I have made it any more obvious?

Just so you cannot bust me on it later - I ripped off the the Quote of the Day from someone, too. - Ron

My Views on UO's Stat Loss

Stat Loss seems to be the topic of the day, so I'll just come out and give the lot of you my divine knowledge on the subject.

It dawned on me the other day while I was removing a crusty from my lefthand nostril that picking your nose just isn't near as fucking elite the day you cut your fingernails as it is when you have a good bit of nail to work with.

Now I am sure there are those of you out there who will deny picking your nose as fervently as you would deny masturbating, but for those of us whom are true experts at removing the everyday hardened nasal secretion, a good session of hard core nose-picking is almost as appetizing as smoking that after-meal Marlboro, or taking the morning's pre-shower dump. After cutting our nails, our personal nose-time becomes much more of a chore than the high point of our day that it normally is. There is almost nothing I hate more than when I have it at my fingertip, ripe for pickin', and my lack of nail forces the beauty further into my nostril resulting in losing it completely. Know the feeling? I am sure you do.

Where the fuck, man? I just had it, now it's gone. Then you have to find the goddamned thing again, and the search for a crusty is not near as exciting when you're aware you are not going to achieve that crusty-picked feeling, instead having it replaced by a somewhat soggy snot speck that will take you a good 10 minutes of digging and exhaling to remove - if you can remove it at all.

Often-times our degenerate fucker will actually be just hanging out on our wrist somewhere, but since we had just had it at our fingertip, somewhere deep in our mind we know there is something left up there to remove. This usually results in that painstaking process of finding the booger, where we pick at every crevice of our inner-nose at least thirty-nine times, yet come up with a fruitless search. We then begin sharply inhaling and exhaling with our nose, as we can certainly feel it. But god damn if we can find it.

That's because it's gone. Fallen on the floor off of our wrist. Probably on the bottom of some unappreciative shoe.

But all hope is not yet lost. Hell no. In this predicament I just head on over to the other nostril, where there just might be a good crusty fucker hanging around that needs to be dealt with. Why waste my time with a fucked up left nostril anyway.

Why should you for that matter.

Besides, what happens if you ever do manage to get that piece of shit useless booger out of your left nostril?

It just sticks to your god damned finger, so you thump it from your index finger, hoping to hear that gratuitous noise from the poster on the wall that it hit, but when you look down, it's stuck to your thumb now. So, you roll it onto your middle finger, and with the skill born of an elementary school-bus "Hey let's play a game of Thumps" Thumps Master, thump with all of your might. Glancing back at your middle finger, there it still is. Fucking annoyance. Since thumping it doesn't work, it's time for the good old fashioned "bottom of your chair" routine. So you wipe it on the bottom of your chair, and the damned thing somehow ends up on your fingernail again. Back to thumping you go.

Fuck all that noise. Why frustrate yourself.

God blessed us with two nostrils, so don't be an asshole. Choose the right one.

I am so symbolic. I almost feel as if I have that Lord of the Flies / Genesis thing goin on.

I'll leave you with an algebraic equation to display my mathematical skillZ.

Godsmack = Alice in the Stone Temple Pearl Garden.

Jesus Christ how can one band suck so badly? I wish I could give stat-loss to the fucker that ever made the mistake of turning over a Godsmack album to "alternative rock" radio stations around America. May he forever rot in heck. - Ron


You ate my Cheetoh's, didn't you motherfucker?

Received this from our representative in Kansas, J.


What really happened to Tupac.

- Ron


Glad to know our readers are as twisted as I am

A few days back when I was poking fun at Lum's arguably better half, I made a reference to, and I quote, "some chick getting banged in the ass by Fernando the donkey" and linked it to the Stile Project.

Now for those of you who have never been to Stile's lair, he is a fellow who spends his days surfing gay pr0n sites (yes, even more than Ron if you can believe it) and digging up the sickest, most twisted shit on the internet. His site gets an absolute shitload of hits daily. Now get this. The afformentioned Fernando incident made WTFMAN one of the top referrers to his page.

WTF? Our page is dedicated primarily to poking fun at online RPG's like Asherons Call, Ultima Online, Everquest, etc etc. Apparently those folks who enjoy sitting around having a virtual cup of ale and sharing tales of adventure in the local medieval pub, also enjoy watching women put on a spiked strap-on dildo and cornhole deformed misshapen dwarves. Crazy world aint it? - Greybeard


Pistols are pointin' at a Poor Man's Pockets

Comin' to town with the Briefcase blues.

I got a haircut today. True story.

Everywhere I look there's a devil waiting.

But I digress.

Check it. Happy St. Patrick's day Everybody. If you are not out at the moment and you are reading this story, you are a lifeless schmoe who needs to be doing something with their time besides surfing the webpages of bigger schmoes in hopes of entertainment larger than you could have partaken in than We.

I get down. I get down, I get down all the way.

Yeah, had a bit of a blast tonight. Was hanging with my lightweight friend tonight, by name of Joe up at a usual joint of ours that happens to go by name of "Champp's," for St. Patty's day (even thought I am far from Irish [I think])and I am the enchanting wizard of Evermore.

Yeah, I figured at the time, Patty's Day and all, we'd hang around after work hours for one too many green beers to enjoy ourselves, and the night ended up just as so. Too many beers - for one of us anyway.

I met my madre and my little neice up at Champps for some Patty's Dinner/Drinks to prepare for a night of too much drinking with my man Joe, and since my madre was covering the charge, went ahead and ordered some fatty drinks and Dinner while being covered on her bill (not that any of us would ever think of doing anything like ordering as much free food as we could on the bill of someone else). OSU just happened to be playing in the NCAA Championship against some AppleAncient Mountaineer team, so the night combined with green and luscious beer and my boy Joe was bound to provide the both of us with an entertaining night.

Little did I know.

Rich, having met Joe, will probably be the only one who might enjoy this story, (but if you are here and reading, fuck you and your bored ass for reading thus far).

Anyway, my madre and my neice split for the night to do whatever it is that aunts do with Neices, and I of course prepare for the arrival of my boy Joe and his Girlfriend Monica (who are to be married this June,[ah haha, dumb fucker]). I had the seats reserved for my man Hoe in preperation for his arrival.

Finally Joe arrives, and I am chillin with a semi-hottie waitress named Michelle. We immediately order the best shot in the house to get us pumped up for the OSU game. The waitress's preferred shot(s) was one called a "traffic light" so we ordered one of those for each of us along with the usual Killians to tide us over until the next drink. When the rtaffic light arrived, it turned out to be a $143.00 shot (I am estimating) that conisisted of actually 3 Stacked Shots - 2 oz. Shot of Cranberry/Vodka, 2 oz. Orange Juice/Vodka, followed by the *Green light* Midori (means "green," go figure) and Vodka. We down the shots and chug the Killians (you know, preparing for the OSU night and all).

I, being 3 Killians ahead of my man Joe already, am of course Hell and gone from Cartahagne(sp?, fuck it, Romancing the Stone, look it up). Joe being at Champps for all of 2 and a half minutes and already possessing more of a buzz than myself is having the time of his life. I had noticed his fiance wasn't with him, so I of course asked him What the Fuck was goin on. He explained she had not yet arrived from work. So we called her from his new and nifty Sprint PCS Cell Phone, and convinced us to join us in our quest to become more retarded than present state.

While Lil' Joey was on the phone with his better half, I went ahead and ordered us both some Cuervo Gold and a Corona (and lime of course) Chaser. Michelle was happy to cooperate (chicks dig getting guys drunk and taking advantage of their credit cards when they know that drunk guys without their fiance's present = larger tip). So Joe, unknowing of the soon-to-arrive-Cuervo and Corona, orders another Killians to catch up with his Daddy Nads.

Michelle makes sure we down our shots properly, and makes her way to the table to whatever table she is also covering.

About this time, Monica finally arrives, ready to get her groove on. We order her a Traffic Light to get her caught up with the rest of us.

At this point, my night truly begins. (Sorry Joe). Weighing in at my amazing 138 pounds and up on Joe 3 Killians, Joe needs to "head to the restroom." (Beer + Male bladder = 3j33t Urination). However, as known later, Joe was in all actuality praising his Lord and Savior Porcelain God, by name of Mr. Toilet Bowl.

20 minutes and another Killians Later, Joe was still MIA. Monica, being the fine upstanding Fiance she is, was of course "worried." I take a trip to the John to check up on my boy, to give him a "WHASSUP"(see a certain Budweiser Commercial) much to the delight of the other males who happen to be using the facility at the time. At this point I am pretty sure I hear Joe snoring in the stall.

I go head and go back out to Monica and assure her that her boy Joe was doing just great, and she should go ahead and order her dinner. She does so, and we call another of our boys (not our children) Eric to join us for the festivities (you might remember Eric as "the capable of anally dominating any who step forth, at the game of Dreamcast Whatever Football).

Joe is still MIA. I go back to the bar to chat with the cute bartender by name of Christine because she looks familiar,to relate to her the Story of our still Missing in Action Joe.

She actually recognizes me from WTFest 99' as "the guy with the CA license and good taste in beer." Which is surprising being I have no idea who the bitch is. Regardless, I score myself one of those fatty green leprechaun hats and a good glance at our fine bartender.

Joe is still MIA.

I then of course (not being homosexual, but only acting in concern for our MIA friend and family, Joe) head back to the John to make sure everything is being spewed through the proper nostril. I hear a snore, so I figure all is alright.

Suddenly people start coming into the restroom, so I being the sport I am, start offering everyone who comes in to take a leak a crisp clean dollar bill to say (in the spirit of St. Patrick's day) "Joe is a Pussy." They of course, diggin the idea of holding a dollar bill in their own hand cooperate nicely - I ended up down 14 dollars as a matter of fact, just from people taking part in the spirit of Irish Holidays). Joe is still in the stall groaning.

Monica is now finished with her pasta meal and worried about Joe. Eric arrives. Everyone is happy. Except Joe.

About this time, some guy appears at our table and he says "Are you Jason?" I reply, "yes," and he says, I am the manager, and I hear you have and have had a friend in the restroom sick for awhile, it would be much appreciated if you could remove him from the facility.

Eric, being in the place for all of a few minutes, volunteers to help me with my boy Joe. WE head into the restroom (not homosexually) to assist our poor unfortunate Mr. Toilet Holder out of the foul and smelly restroom and into the passenger seat of his Fiance.

Monica informs me she will take him home and be right back to cover the tab of theirs - I of course deny that proposition because they live pretty goddam far from Champps, and fuck having her drive all the way back - I teller I'll handle the tab. And I inform Michelle the same.

So it;s just me and Eric now, I ask the guys in the nearest table what the OSU score is, they tell me it's long been over and we won like 86 to 4. Word.

I tell Michelle I'd like to go ahead and cover Joe/Monica and I's tab since I am sure it was high, and before I continued with my groove I wanted to make sure I could cover what we had drank already --- she informs me the tab is at $110.00, but I being the rich mofo I am, am not concerned. Michelle comes back with a $98.00 check....I say "hrmm, you said $110.00 earlier." She, being the groovy chick she is, informs me that my credit card was denied the $110.00 charge so she "knocked a bit off the tab." How fucking cool is that? So, I being embarassed about a denied charge and pissed I wasted 14 bucks in the John with my boy Toilet Hugger, apologize for any inconvenience (what the fuck else ar eyou supposed to do under such circumstances?" and assure her she can give me head after all is said and done to make up for her lack of tip. (I didn't say that really, or did I). Eric, having been there 10 minutes now, of course steps in and says he'll cover my tip as well as everything else I couldn't cover.

God Bless the Eric. He saved me from having to pull out my other maxed Credit Card.

We have another Killians, discuss modern politics and Waitress bra-size, and end our St. Patty's Day night.

God bless Joe.

Hope your night was as fun as mine. Happy um, Holidays.



- Ron


Even orcs need love too

Who could ask for better timing? In light of the recent contoversy surrounding MMORPG characters with massive breasts and the men who love them, Blizzard has released some artwork of the new half-orc race which graces the cover of the latest PC Accelerator magazine. Look out Lara Croft, there is a new well endowed hottie in town thats sure to piss off unattractive and overly sensitive women around the world.

Would you like those breasts spicy or regular?

- Greybeard


And who says we arent a news site?

Why just today I came across a new screenshot from UO2, clearly illustrating the new man/machine technology of the future. Here we see a promo shot of Tyrant flanked by British and Blackthorn.

- Greybeard


Life is too short to dance with Ugly Women

Don’t get me wrong, I consider myself to only be a mild male chauvinist pig. However, the past couple of rants I have encountered complaining of male sexism in online gaming is about as ridiculous as it gets. This last bubble headed estrogen fueled round of bitching about characters in EQ taking advantage of their 3d engine to portray the feminine in a extremely curvaceous manner turns my stomach. Lets face the facts. Gaming is still a predominately male dominated activity. If I want to see fat broads stuffing their faces with Twinkies, I can just head on down to the local grocery store. People play these games to get away from reality, not to bask in it. If you women who complain about these Pamala Lee type characters in EQ and Shadowbane because your real life ass is so big that it needs its own zipcode, grab a slimfast shake, break out your Jane Fonda workout tapes and STFU already.

The last thing I want to see is some size 18 chunky assed broad with no tits stuffed into a set of ringmail with a NOW button affixed to it. My God man, thats downright scary shit. If I have to get the smack laid down on me by a member of the opposite sex, I along with 99% of the other men playing the game would rather our opponent look like Xena than Oprah. Hell, if fighting fat assed homely chicks was what did it for us, we could just fly out to Burbank and sock Rosie O’Donnel in the eye.

If you want to champion women’s rights and help stop women from being made into sex objects, why not speak out about things like some gal being banged in the ass by Fernando the Donkey over at Stileproject. Send a letter to Hustler or Penthouse even. To waste bandwidth complaining about some pixilated breasts does nothing but demonstrate how shallow the human gene pool is becoming these days. Its just about as laughable as watching an anti-abortion rally, which almost always are filled with hideous ass-beast women that noone in their right mind would want to fuck anyways. The message indeed tells something about messenger does it not?
- Greybeard

I can't believe my fro

I was tooling around on the Crossroads of Dereth messageboard, and I almost couldn;t believe my eyes. There were actually numerous posts from "PKs" on the Carebear servers informing all of us Darktide residents how shitty of PKs we were along with other notes as "We cannot compare to the tactics of the Leafcull(Carebear) and other Carebear non-PK shards in PvP combat."

Now excuse me if I am wrong, but some cock-knock on another shard that happens to be 1% Player Killer trying to inform those of us on the shard of mass death and destruction that we have no PvP skill is about like the High School Band Flag Football-Every-Other-Saturday-Team trying to tell someone in the NFL" I'll kick your ass if we play Automatic Quarterback!"

This is got to be one of the most hysterical things I have ever heard. And to top it all off, they have the gall to "threaten" us Darktiders to *attempt* to play on their server, saying we wouldn't have a prayer of competing with their dyke asses.

Someone, by all means, explain this to me. I am having trouble digesting this even after a cigarette and 3 cups of coffee. If I were at work right now I'd be shitting in my panties.

I dare a carebear to even *attempt* to beat my ass at Tekken 2. Um, k. I guess if we Darktiders were real manly sissies, we would all move to Leafcull and try to compete with one another on the the number of complete sets of worthless colored armor out there so we can show it off to the level 3's in Nanto.

They even went so far as to get as medieval as claming any Darktider who moved to the sopping twat shard would be KOS+L !! The FUCKING BASTARDS. By the way, "What does dumbfuck mean??" KOS+L = Kill on Sight PLUS Looting? Fuck that, I would never in my life move to a shard where I would be looted. I might actually lose my 14k heavy ruby necklace of Monster Familiarity VI I ghenked off of one of 16 dead Olthoi I killed through a wall.

What's the world coming to. Why is the room spinning.

Carebears unite!
- Ron


Spiderman meets a Goth

I guess that's the feeling my groin gets upon gazing at the thing up there replaceing the old triangle swoosh logo.

Let us all now bow our heads in silence at the death of the Swooshies. There is a god indeed. Feel free to send me a check or money order for $1.25 for removing the ever-so-old-and-god-damned-annoying swooshed swished WTFMan intro thing.

Fuck sound and fuck heavy animation - in time it just becomes grating opening up a site to the same shit everyday.

Anyway, enough about the thingie, and onto this new AC patch.

I would like to retract a statement from an earlier post about the eliteness of this current AC patch. They made a fatal mistake - they made shit suck my middle nut. Melee is beyond the beyond of stupidity, and balance has been thrown out of whack.

Now, before you fucking morons lay into me with the "oh that's easy to say, you're a one hit kill archer pussy and now your day has come and you cannot handle it Y0ur GAY!" comments, let's look at a few facts :

Let's start with defense skills. OK, Melee defense comes into effect when toe to toe and swinging against an opponent. Groove. Missile Defense comes into effect when a moron stands still long enough to be hit by an arrow (After arrow actually hits, skill comes into effect to determine if it is evaded ). Magic defense (against war mages) comes into effect after a moron stays still long enough to be hit by a projectile(after it hits, magic defense determines if it is resisted or not). Against a Life Mage, if they are in range of a Life spell, auto-hits so jumps straight to resisting or not. Drawback = short range. Against Creature Magic, it's an auto-hit, but creature spells seem far easier to resist to make up for their long-range.

Now, knowing how the defenses work, let's look at the defenses compared with simply "moving out of the way."

Missile Defense - useless skill. Not even fucking needed. Any common Joe with sense can avoid an arrow without too much trouble. Who needs missle defense when you can just move or strafe out of the way anyway, unless you are a lazy bastard and just feel like being able to toe to toe an archer without getting hit as much if you have high missile defense skill.

War Magic - god help the poor war mages. Magic defense (against war mages) - just as useless against a war mage as missile defense against an archer, unless you are a lazy bastard and wish to be able to just stand still against a war mage and hope you resist at a good rate. War magic is even easier to avoid than arrows. Not only do you have nifty spell casting words to be prepared with, but you can see a slow ass projectile coming your way. Hrmm, let me move 2 shift-steps to the left. Avoided.

Now, let's look at the all new and exciting melee defense to melee - all of a sudden a vital part of your skillset because you cannot move out of the way or dodge any form of melee without it now. Thanks to our lovely patch, the most common of assclowns can just hop onto your back and auto hit your ass no matter anything you do (unless you possess high melee defense). No melee defense? Tough shit buddy, you're up a creek without a Salma Hayek. There is no such thing as moving out of the way.

Make sense? Nope, sure doesn't.

Now, moving on to the running-away-against-attack-skill problem.

Guy gets chased by archer. Guy runs. Archer cannot ever hit because guy just does nothing but strafes back and forth. Guy gets away. Archer loses kill. Common, annoying, but easy to deal with. No big deal even though an arrow travels at a speed far faster than anyone's run could possibly be. Archer promptly goes back to town to find someone unbuffed and shopping that he can actually hit.

Guy gets chased by war mage. War mage stops to chuck a beach ball at the victim. Victim is now 4 towns away after spell sequence. Guy logs out, logs in after watching Craig Kilbourne, lays down, buffs himself up with every Bane, every Protection spell, logs out. Logs in EQ to cast Spirit of the Wolf on himself. Logs back out. Logs back into AC. BD's his katar. Moves 2 steps to the left. Beach ball hits the ground ahead of him.

Guy gets chased by Life Mage. Life mages stops to cast spell. Out of range. Guy is gone. Life mage sees guy 3 weeks later. Repeat.

Guy runs from Melee guy. Guy has 4,000 run. Melee guy has 20 run and 296% encumbrance. Melee guy chases. Guy takes a trip through the bloated purple asshole. Melee dex fuck logs onto all boards regarding AC and says "what the fuck are you panzies complaining about?? This is goddamned fair and you know it, melee isn't overpowered, it's called balance.

The fact is, is this patch has absolutely nothing to do with balance. Everything was perfectly balanced before.

Everything had 2 means of avoidance - running away (makes perfect sense, although annoying), and a defensive skill (magic def, missle def, melee def) that would come into effect after you had been "hit."

You could either stand still and get hit, or run away and not get hit from anything.

If Turbine is going to leave Melee as-is, with it's 100% hit-target-to-determine-if-defensive-skill-is-high-enough capability - then I damn sure want to see some auto-target hitting war magic and auto-target hitting arrows that only rely on opponents defensive skill to determine a hit or miss. Only then will we be "balanced." Melee as-is makes absolutely no fucking sense. In PvP, nor in NPCvP. If you think it does, you're a fucking retard.

At least, that's my opinion, and I am never wrong.

And no, I have not yet been raped by a melee character and am just ranting about my misfortunes. I am just looking at facts. When I do get raped by a melee character, you can expect more F words. And Lord knows I am not just biased as an archer or anything.
- Ron

Rant on a Rant

What is up with Azeraphel and the Darktide server? It's as if he thinks people who play our shard are beneath him in some way. He's at a complete loss as to what Darktide is all about. We like pvp - it's that simple. Playing on the npk shards is basically a one-player game with chat feature. Yay... you get to fight the really hard monsters that never vary in their attacks and you always know where they are. Gee, what fun.

He doesn't play DT, which is fine - to each his/her own. I wouldn't rail on him for playing a carebear server, so I can't imagine why he would go out of his way to rant on people who enjoy a different aspect of the game. Maybe pvp is beyond him. Are the massive amounts of politics, guild alliances MEANING something and the struggle of good versus evil just our imagination?

There is a significant amount of thieves and other such asses on the npk servers, so how do think pretend for a moment that being a pvp player equates to being a prick. Just like in UO, the people most likely to be asses are those that can get away with it and have the mentality (or excuse) for it. You can get away with a lot more when you're a white dot than as a viable target in a pk world - trust me.

Azeraphel, just because you don't play Darktide, doesn't mean that the thousands of other people that do are "d00dz" or whatever hacker-speak you want to try to stereotype us with. Take off your blinders.
- Nighthawk


New AC Patch

They put in some great changes. I was looking at how unbelievably good golems (and to a lesser degree the Drudges) look now. The one thing I have exception with is the melee changes.

Before the patch you could retreat from any type of character. Granted ranged weapons like bow and war magic had a chance to hit you, but if you have enough skill in evading you had an excellent chance to escape. Escape to buff from a surprise attack, escape because you're outclassed... whatever, that part is moot. Meleers you could avoid easily. It was easy to the point that if someone attacked me with melee I laughed at how simple it was.

Granted, it should have been changed sure, but what they did was a bit extreme. If someone has run skill close to yours (tested with 200 run attacking a 240 run character), you cannot get away. You can no longer run past a group of mites and not get hit - fuckin mites! I'm glad I wasn't trying to level my archer last night - I can't imagine what trying to run past an Olthoi is like. What a nightmare.

*imagines the mindless attack strategy needed*
"Ok, I'll target him, click on high/med/low, go get a drink and come back to loot"

Basically, if you don't have great melee defense and a boatload of run (50+ more than your assailant) - you're going to die. God... Turbine brought back the dex ho... shoot me.
- Nighthawk


The fruits of my labor

Filled with boredom.

After taking an hour-long bumperfuck in traffic, I took another hour of my life updating our growing Newbie Kills Database for your viewing pleasure. Nothing can top the excitement you will experience while waiting for a ton of small inanimate AC *.jpgs to load onto your screen. Don't miss out on a good time. The updated page is complete with even newer newbies and even some rare and never-before seen pictures of an Un-newbie or 2.

The page is up to 270 unique kills thus far, not bad considering I have yet to receive Nighthawk's portion from the past month. I assume we'll be around 350 or so after all is said and done.

How exciting, huh.

In other news, AC released a patch today. One of the best patches to the game made so far in my opinion. Better yet, the best patch an any game yet. It actually, well, does good things. Unlike some (every) patch I have seen in other popular online roleplaying Origin beer coasters.

Most importantly, they fixed the portal-draining cheesedick life mage kill feature, which owns you. As well as the Equip-quarrels with bow zPl0it. Now if they'd just tame strafe healing/strafe casting/strafe everything, the game would be about perfect.

Last but least, I am starting on another little WTFMan intro movie, as the current one annoys the ever-living dogshit out of me with it's abundance of swooshes and general lameness. Plus we are no longer New and Improved, but Old and Fashioned. Time for a new look. Esitimated release date - no comment.

If you feel like being owned on the real movie front, check out Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. It's the goods. Hasta.

- Ron

Character Guide Updated

I decided to update the AC Character Building Guide with some new templates. We're now at the point of people creating characters with 2 or 3 generations worth of revisions beyond what my characters were created at (Ron still has his 1st generation character). So, enjoy the benefits of the new templates - when you get to my level you'll have a much better character... damn you. =P
- Nighthawk


Heard a Saying Once

It went something like "Evil always turns on itself." Have heard the line quite a few times on Darktide, and it sounds like something straight out of a Dragonlance novel.

However, in the online gaming world, Darktide especially (and of course UO - well, UO back when there actually was a "good" and "evil"), I think the statement holds about as much truth as an O.J. Simpson Trial.

The "good guys" are the only ones I ever see turning upon themselves these days. They would lead you to believe such things as "it is hard being a good guy, and you're a pussy if you cannot handle being good," as well as "your a faggot" in defense of their boring existence. But in reality, most of the good guild breakups are caused by good guy "A" realizing that good guys "B" through "T" are complete fucking imbeciles. Has nothing to do with their sexual preferences, nor their being a pussy or not.

I actually don't understand why "good guys" ever label themselves "good." For some reason, every Anti/Good guild in these games seems filled to the brim with bigger degenerate hypocritical assfucks than the KeWl1st of Evil-natured guilds. They are always so "good" that they cannot handle anything that goes against their grain. They are so "good," that often times, they lose sight of their original goals for reasons more selfish than those of their most hated enemies. And when I say "hate," I mean hate. The "good guys" are are probably the most hateful and irate individuals on the face of any gaming planet. I find it ironic.

On Darktide, and even in most games, I tend to notice one thing about anyone who is "evil." It's that they tend to be some pretty straight forward guys (or girls, Alice) who's lives are filled with so much more bliss and happiness than any protected and governed newbie could ever be under a good flag. I don't think I have seen more than maybe 3 good guys who are actually happy with their wasted existence in a game. They tend to be the most jealous, foul mouthed, selfish, ignorant assholes you'll ever come across. They seem to have so little fun doing anything that they have no fun whatsoever. Now this certainly doesn't apply to all good guys or anything, there's always guilds from olden glory Baja days like KoJ of note (who of course, turned evil with time - go figure) who fit the good guy mold as it should be fit. But most of the time it's rare.

How many of you PK's out there (I know an asston of you) have ever swpet through a town without saying a single word, killing anyone in your path, feasting on the blood of the goodest of goodies, only to be greeted with insults abound, statements about your mother and father (well, I am good at that as well, but in my instances it's for the purposes of maintaining a healthy Shit Talking existence), and remarks that are so off-base that you wonder what exactly you did to these people to make their lives so much hell.

On Darktide, it's just funny to me how goodies react to getting killed. They of course are playing on a "warning-PK only server, yada yada be prepared to get killed a lot" yet their whining never fucking ceases. You can stroll into a town without a word, rip up the place, and not say a single word to any of these goodies, but boy do they get angry when they die. /Tell commands light up your chat window left and right telling you what a fucking pussy you are, white dots (PK'd individuals for you non ACers) immediately surround you and spam the shit out of you with such classic and grammatical law-breaking lines as "your a fkucing faggot ass bitch dicksucker11!1" and then your "cowardice" is usually portrayed completely ass-backwards on 14 of the 37 message boards these dumbshits troll around on daily to speak of their good deeds.

All this, and all you did, was kill them a world that's point is player killing. You didn't say a word to anyone, you didn't insult anyone's car or anything, you did nothing that you don't do day in and day out. All you did was kill them. Whoopty-fuckin-do. Yet by killing them, Good guys are prone to knowing your height, your weight, your social activity, masturbation schedule (well, I posted mine in an archive I believe, so I'll give them that one), they just know everything about you, as well as pathetic you are. It's great. An arrow in their spine grants them omniscience.

I do so love a good guy.

They make their game lives into bigger hell because they fill it with hatred, and they seem to have about as much fun as they would if they were pissing out a kidney stone. Why are they so filled with hate? I mean, not that it bothers me, I could give a fuck less. I am the master of ignoring when the need arises. But for the most part - my bigger enemies in games, I actually like. And you know which of those enemies I like the best? The "Evil" enemies. Yep, that's right. They tend to me more mature, capable of actual conversation, and they provide you with someone to kill and get killed by, day in and day out, all in the name of fun. That's the beauty of it. And 80% of those "evil" enemies have not once resorted to verbal warfare. I think possibly 5% of the goodies I face are the same as that. Matter of fact, I can narrow the list to perhaps 5 people - Xanthro, Owain Goch, Rageous, Abdul Al-hazad, and Lott. Quite a small list I'd say, and it's damn sad.

Anyway, jist of it is, is I find 95% of the Good and Just population appalling. Perhaps some of you goodies out there can explain to me why your brethren are such tools.

Enquiring clowns want to know.

"Aenema", on Aenema owns you. God bless the Tool.
- Ron


Quick Blind Link

This is an mpg that's quite amusing, but I don't feel like describing since it's such a quick download anyhow. Enjoy.

Blind link

- Nighthawk