Houston, we have a problem.

Ron has just read about this new UO server coming up. Ron is now torn between RaceWar EQ Server or UO Hardass server. I am seriously kicking around the idea of heading back to my homeland if this server deal in UO works out. If this is the case, I am unsure if EQ will stay in my best interests. Now after saying this I will also inform you that I don't know much about it witht he exception of what I read at Lum's page, but - from what I hear, UO just might have seeped its way back into my best interests.

Zander of the Warcouncil of old just might be forking me an account to pay for as I got myself banned before my departure. Not sure what the deal is just yet. I'll keep you informed.

Sir Richard, long time fellow PK of old UO days will be in Oakland this weekend, so I will not be around at all. (As if I have been here lately as it stands). Many beers to be consumed. -Ron


Concerning the Race War Server

The following information was posted on yesterday's news at EQ Vault regarding the Race War Server. It appears they are finally getting things rolling on it, as they have made some changes in preparation for it on the Test Server.


We have temporarily changed the rules on the test server in order to test our new PvP - Teams code. This test will last approximately one week. If you choose to play during this time, please understand that it will be under PvP - Teams rules and that you are subject to being player killed. If you are not confortable with this, we suggest playing on our live servers until we return to the test server to regular rules. In addition to testing the PvP Teams code, we will also be testing the balance of the initial teams, the allowable PK level spread, etc. Please keep in mind that any or all of these rules are subject to change at any time. The teams are as follows:

Team 1 High Elf, Wood Elf, Half-Elf
Team 2 Dwarf, Gnome, Halfling
Team 3 Human, Barbarian, Erudite
Team 4 Ogre, Troll, Dark Elf

This means that any member of one team may be PK'd by a member of any of the other 3 teams, but not my a member of their own team. We have increased the level limits for PvP to +/-8 levels as opposed to the +/-4 that exists in Rallos Zek (normal PvP server).

Here is a short list of some other changes:

--PvP Faction Hits have been removed until we can implement an aggressor flag (IF we decide to). If a character is killed by someone with his or her PK flag ON (+pvp), they will return from death with Zero Mana. This is to address the 'naked mage syndrome'.

--(Warriors have been upgraded with more Hit Points, better innate magical resistance, and a chance to critical hit above and beyond normal critical hits in combat.

--Pets can no longer open locked doors.

--If a character is brought back to life with a ressurrect spell, he or she will lose any and all enchantments on the character, replaced by a 'ressurrection effect' which will wear off after a time. This is to prevent players from returning immediately to combat after being ressurrected.

--There were additional changes to the client and server we will document prior moving this patch to the live servers. Also please note that the promised Rogue upgrade is still being worked on -- Make Poison is being finished and while Apply Poison is technically finished, it relies on Make Poison.

-The EverQuest Team


Gay Paladin meets Gay Paladin Sword - A Love Story

Well, as of this weekend the infamous homosexual dwarven paladin bore witness to the master looting skills of yours truly, and received his long lost love, the ever-elusive Ghoulbane. Who would have thought any average gay dwarf could become even gayer. Only in EverQuest is this possible. Upon the arrival of The Shin Lord, (true story), I had just taken a bite from my new bowl of Lucky Charms, and I am assuming I ate a purple horseshoe. Here he is everyone, Kharag's spouse, in the nude.

The sword procs a 162 damage spell when shoved into any of your favorite undead critter's asses, and pretty much kicks all patoot regardless of their life or un-life. It is perfect in the hands of Innoruuk's most famed homo (besides Barrett of course). Congrats to Kharag (who changed his name after gaining the sword to even better, more queer name, to protect his femininity). I, however, allow no secrets to be kept. He now goes by name of "Wanker" - give him a /tell sometime.


Gay Paladin's-Friend meets Gay Paladin-Friend Ranger Sword - A Love Story Part II

And just when you thought he was gay before. Christ almighty, how lucky can flaming hetero Ron and his group of gay Kharag-led compatriots get? While searching the depths (after 94 corpse retrievals) of Lower Guk, we managed to stumble right into the clutches of Innoruuk's 1st existing gay-ass Ranger Ebonic Blade. Let's look behind door number 2.

Fortunately, (now if I was an emoter I would say "*gasp* - but I'm not) there IS a ranger on the shard, who is not an absolute flaming San Franciscan Parader. Go figure she is not in the Talquinn. The gay dwarven paladin's good female friend Aile (all gays have many many chick friend confidantes, they relate better to them) was the lucky receiver of the divine Ranger sword. Upon the arrival of the ebon blade wielding thing, Kharag was watching the most romantic scene of "The Crying Game."


Ron Becomes Innoruuk's First Strawberry with the help of Gay Dwarven Paladin and Pals
(Not a Love Story)

Here we see the new improved me, aren't I darling. Thanks to the help of Sydsloot, Chauncey, Riser, Kharag, Doonay, and of course myself for the invention of the patented Ron Plan Gold, I became a proud possessor the rubicite breastplate and helm, thus completing my quest for fruity sets of armor. In yet another way, I am far cooler than you.


What the Hell is this Crap with GM Darwin

Ok I hit a few sites at the explosion of this GM Darwin story, and I am going to take a stance and defend Origin's brilliant staff of GM's. On all sites I always see the same question posed : "How can we trust UO GM's now?" I just want to say that I don't understand how one GM making $8,000.00 worth of in-game crap really affects the crazy-glue bond you all had with them in the first place. GM's day in and day out have to put up with little pricks players just like you had to put up with Darwin, how is their situation any different? If you think all GM's will never have any credibility anymore for the actions of their own GM Darwin, then it would be no different than all GM's hating you for the actions of some poop-butt named StUpId fUcKeR for sending them "Fuck Y0o GM's Go to Hell You LiCK BALLS!" queries the day he got banned for UO Plugin. Darwin was just some jerk-off, end of story. Not all GM's are bad, Carnox still owns, and Raph Koster is not in cahoots with Milosevic. Shut up with your stupid conspiracies. It's safe to log back in now, and I am sure the next available game master will rush to assist you as is customary.


Ron, Finish the Damned Guide to Guk

Going to be easier to finish now. I'll get to it. I need to attain just two more items and snap their pictures to have the guide absolutely complete. I am finishing it this time before I re-upload it. Patience is a virtue (especially when waiting for me to do something you really want done). - Ron


Regarding Your Questions

Ya ya so the Guk guide sections say "up tomorrow." It was a clever ploy you see. This way no matter when you view it, you always think tomorrow. Fact of the matter is, the thing has ended up taking an assload more time to create than I had previously expected. I want to have the thing finished this weekend, but as you know I don't do what I say a lot. I get enough deadlines at work, no way in hell I am going to heap some more on myself that might interfere with my leisurely weekend masturbation. Anyway, To answer a few questions I have received :

#1) I plan on having maps in there in the Overview, but those are things I kind of want to create myself. I know that EQLizer has a few maps that were viewer-submitted, but in my opinion they lick ass. FYI, the map there that has spawning points written on it is wrong, so I would only pay mind to the map itself, not the key. However, maps are not the easiest thing to create, so I won't bash their makers. I am not going to guarantee maps, because I know a lot of people don't want absolute spoilers, thus I am kind of in between on how much information I am going to give on boss spawn locations. I know for a fact I am not revealing the shin lord's spot, because he is someone scads of people will camp. I don't want that, and the Gay Dwarven Paladin doesn't want that. I have been urged by friends not to "sell-out" so to speak. So I am not going to.

#2) I have been asked to give directions to Guk from the outside world in the swamp, so I will do so. I kind of assumed this was information already well known. Seems I was incorrect.

#3) The information included in it when it is completed I want you to realize is from experience. It might be a bit lacking in some departments, as far as items found and bosses go until I myself find them or someone else in my usual crew of Cinderella Boys finds them. So essentially all you will see, is shit that I have seen. I have been to so many other sites that were just so straight up wrong on things because they post whatever Ton Dick and Harry E-Mail them, I don't want to be like that. I want to be even more wrong.

#4) If the guide works out well and turns out to be useful to everyone, I have plans to do them for eventually all dungeons. Najena will be next in this case. Just bear in mind I haven't finished the first un yet, and it has already turned into more work that I thought. Patience is a virtue.

#5) Thank you for the compliments, and fux you for the criticism.

For the Love of God, Go to This Site.

I followed a post on the messageboard by someone, cannot remember the name. But he linked to this site, the AfroSquad. I you feel like laughing your ass off, if that kinda thing trips your trigger, then follow the link from their banner. An example of their products:



The Guide to Guk is now operating.

I busted my ass tonight working on the Guide, and though it is not completely finished, contains info you might want to take a look at. I finished the Special Item's section and got started on the Bestiary. Whether you are interested or not, at least go take a look you prick. You can find the link in bright green above Ron and Pals, or you can scroll down slightly and click the bright yellow letters. I am going to try to keep the file size under 300k, at the moment I am sitting at 180k. Bear in mind since it is done in Flash that the initial loading is the only loading you will have to wait for. After that the interactivity will go smoothly.If you come across any problems or suggestions, don't hesitate to E-Mail me and let me know. -Ron


The Guide to Guk

I apologize for the lack of update over the weekend, I decided to just do the Guk guide in Flash rather than 946 HTML files. Thus, the project is going to take a lot longer. However, it will be higher quality, load faster, less FTPing for me (the real reason), and well, I just want to do it in Flash. The Guide to Guk is up, but with one minor problem : There is no information there as of yet. This I am going to do gradually fix. Beginning tomorrow. I have all the graphical shit done tonight, I am just too lazy to spend the other 3 hours putting it together at the moment. Eitherway, I left you something to play with until tomorrow (which I did for too long tonight).

Fine Jewelry

Over the weekend I aquired a few special things. Most importantly I hit 34th level, and i feel as if I am a new troll. Without a doubt, this level is by far the best yet. There is not one shitty spell in this spell level. If you are a shaman, and thought 24 was good, just you wait. I also came across this earring in a quest, and after achieving it I shit a brick. I'll let you take a look. I feel so special, I beat EQ'Lizer to an item. Ph34r it. - Ron


Useless Information

Over this next weekend I have several new and unexciting changes planned to take place here. The 1st thing I will be adding is my comprehensive guide to Guk, which will include where not to find the good special items as well as the best places to explore which would most likely lead to the demise of you and your entire party. I have the bestiary done for every creature found within Guk, as well as their level range and common loot, and the location of the special items. The only exception to this Guk guide will be that I will not disclose the location of the most sought after Ghoulbane until my usual crew of panzies (including the gay dwarven paladin himself) retrieves the damn thing for ourselves. In the past 3 weeks the lousy frog bastard has yet to pack his holy glock, much to the dismay of, once again, the gay dwarven paladin himself.

Most all of the UO related garbage on the page is going to be moved back to my geocities address (linked through here of course) unless we have the space left here or at the space Zander gave us at the Warcouncil.

With the Race War server coming to EQ soon (so it is rumored - and hoped), this site will be returning to it's former glory. The lack of stories and lack of basically anything worthwhile is due to the fact that I play a non-pvp server and generally have had nothing to say about it. Joining CIchlid and I on the new server is our main woman Sir Richard, long time Co-Cheese and assraper from UO. It's sure to be quite a party.

In other news, The man named after titty torture has asked me to enclose the following information:

After roughly a month absence, Dr.TwisTer has returned to the World of EverQuest. For all of the latest news, stories and happenings on your local shard, from the eyes of the player, visit www.drtwister.com and find out what is going on. Be prepared for whatever might happen, as well as up to date facts for PvP, server problems and in game bugs that May effect your daily online activities. Keep in touch with other players through message boards on various subjects and read what other players have to say when it comes to their online community. We would love to see you there at www.drtwister.com. Thank you!

Dr.TwisTer - The Dr.TwisTer Network

Last but not least, I am sure everyone has heard that fellow Degenerate and Slacker Nighthawk was banned from Ultima Online for calling a Japanese person a Japanese person. What a stupid bastard. However, his ban was switched from permanent to 72 hours so you can disregard him being banned. For more info on that, go to the JoV. Personally I find it humorous that one cannot call a Japanese player a "Jap" yet you can refer to anyone else in the vicinity as "Stupid Fucker" and no one pays you any mind. So by all means, refer to annoying ethnically different players as "Stupid Fuckers" not "Japs" (or whichever other National abbreviation you normally would choose to use). -Ron


PvP in UO - PvP in EverQuest

Almost every post I have seen on any board which contains complaints about EverQuest is usually bitching about the player vs. player situation. Furthermore, the authors seem to go on and add that in UO the player vs. player scene was far superior to that of EQ. I guess you could say I am just a tad confused at this. I have seen such quotes as "If you want to pvp in EQ for free, open up a new text file and hold down your 'A' key." Those same people even go so far as to say that sums up the EverQuest experience as a whole. I guess what I am confused about is how is pvp in UO any different whatsoever? It's not.

I guess I will contradict statements in earlier updates about the 2 games being uncomparable so that I can compare the two game's battling systems.

To begin with let's look at Ultima. In UO, Player versus Player (in most circumstances) consists of the following situation in Magic Combat : Magic Arrow (or any other low mana gimp spell to break a spell reflection) followed by Paralyze, Explosion, Explosion, Explosion (where Explosion can be substituted by a Flamestrike or Energy Bolt or perhaps even another Paralyze). This begins as an annoying situation while you attempt to click your target cursor onto a character running around in circles, then after this is accomplished, you simply press the last target key. Throw in the melee combat and archery and you have (not even clicking an A key I might add) the depression of a tab key while standing next to an opponent. While standing next to the opponent your little animated character swings his weapon repeatedly while usually casting the above mentioned spell sequence or guzzling a few greater heals in between. Then of course you have the usual warp lagging lolly gagging around the screen. UO Combat contains some of the best tactics and strategies in the land. You have a whopping 5 typical spells that everyone else has, the same weapon swinging animations, shitty sound effects, and that lovely warp lag. So you press 5 to 6 different macro keys on your keyboard during the battle. Whoopty fuckin doo.

Now to EverQuest's situation. Is it really worse? I think not. I simply cannot see how anyone coming from UO can complain about it. Characters in EverQuest, regardless of class, have a shitload of options to carry out while engaging in combat. The magic scene is an assload more complex (An assload is a term equivalent to "Lots and Lots"). You have loads of great DoTs (That's "Damage over Time" spells to you non-Eqers) that range from disease to physical damage to poisonous damage (which your character may or not be highly resistant to depending on A) The items you carry, B) Your Race's innate resistances, or C) Any Buffs your character has cast on his or her self (A "Buff" would be a spell such as "Endure Magic," "Endure Disease," etc. that would alter your characters abilities in a positive way). After the DoTs you have of course the adverse buff spells, those spells that lower opponents' attack speed, movement speed, statistics (Strength, Dexterity, etc.). Then of course you have the equivalent of UO's paralyze (Root, Enstill, Ensnare, etc. for EverQuest, each with different mana costs and durations), along with ass tons of Direct Damage spells each usually damaging in an elemental form (IE, Ice, Wind, Fire, blah blah) that the opponent might or might not be highly resistant to), various Melee skills (Bash, Slam, Kicking, all the melee skills such as slashing piercing archery) and numerous other skills besides just UO's "Tactics" skill that directly affect your situations in melee combat. And guess what? No fucking warp lag. In otherwords, if you use a lot of sentences, EverQuest can seem quite complex indeed, especially when using many references or examples in parentheses. Hopefully I have lost you by now.

So now I want to say - so fucking what if you press "A" to initiate combat with something. What the fuck do you morons want? What IS playing a computer game besides clicking the mouse and tapping certain keys? This isn't mortal combat, what are you wanting complex keystroke combinations to initiate certain deadly maneuvers? Then you people would just bitch that the game was too cpmplex for your frail minds and your lack of finger speed. Why not save yourself some bitching and try to make the combat suit your needs by following the next few guidelines to make your PvP times more interesting.

You will start the improved gameplaying by always playing standing up. While in EverQuest, from now on when you press spacebar to jump, I want you to Jump in place. This will stimulate your fighting experience and exercize your fatass as well. While running, run in place. When you swing your weapon, mimic the sword movement with your right hand so that you really feel yourself swinging that sword while pressing the A key with your left hand. Jerk off all over the keyboard while using such emoticons such as " =) , ;-), and :) "when flirting with the dark elf mage chick that *I* know has a unit in "her" real life. When casting a spell, flail your arms about wildly and feel the magic run through your veins. Use your imaginations and the combating experiences might not seem like such a bore.

Now of course if you are complaining about EverQuest because you cannot kill anyone you want - you are just stupid. Get on the PvP server you dolts. use my new improved combat methods to enhance your gameplay experience. If you are complaining about lack of PvP and you aren't on a pvp server - you are a fuckin idiot. End of subject. You don't see me complaining about no pvp while not on a player vs. player server. The fact is - there is not a single thing wrong with combat in either games (well ok, looking back I kinda think UO's sucked the goat), and EverQuest's battle system for damn sure isn't worse than that of UO's. What are you people complaining about. -Ron


Not really much else happening other than the EverQuest server being down, so I figure I'd toss up an update of pointlessness. For starters, to those of you keen observers - Yes, all of our counters are broken. We were supplied with counters through Lock'n Load but they are gone. Being the lazy bastards that we are, we have yet to get them back ticking. Due to the fact that I don't know cgi nor do I know how to make a counter display anything but a random number each time, I have decided I will sit complacent until Nighthawk get's up off his lazy ass and learns some cgi so we can have our counters back, because I am far too busy wasting time in NeverQuest to dabble in the arts of doing anything worthwhile.

For appetizers, I will add that No, I am not whichever Ronald McDonald is running around on whatever server being a pissant. I quit UO, where have you been. Oh, you must be confused because the site is full of nothing but things regarding UO. Ya well, I am working on killing the confusion. Just very very slowly.

For main course, let it be known to the masses who play EverQuest, that when the new Race War server is up, I am definitely one whiteboy hopping onto it. The words of EverQuest getting redundant and a bit repititive have struck true in my head, and a fresh server is definitely going to be a place to let the ass-beatings begin anew. If you have wondered why I am not already on Rallos Zek (pvp server) it is strictly because i got into the game late, and did not feel like being the new kid on the block to a bunch of 40th level dildos. So I began on Innoruuk because it was a new server at the time, and quickly became addicted to my first character. I am going to stick with being a troll on the new server, so if you are one interested in laying waste to the rest of the world, I am gonna be on the evil races team, so if you want to win, and like scratching your ass a lot, plan on being an evil race. I always win. If you are a dyke and/or homo, be on one of the other teams. More info on this and more when more news is announced on the server coming up.

For dessert, after having read a post by my boy Sir Windmage on the board I decided to take a trip down memory lane and reminisce (sp?) on the days of old. When I get a chance I have decided to lay down my UO History for those of you who just might be interested. Not that I am a martyr or anything, but being that the site is well, titled McDonaldland, and I am generally known as Ronald McDonald, it wouldn't be anything unusually egotistical to jot down my history as it happened. Perhaps you will find it interesting, perhaps not. Matters not, you are in my world now. - Ron

The History of Ronald McDonald

Part 1 : First Day, First Loot.

Can anyone else remember way back the first time they logged into UO. Or has the pipe been cashed one too many times taking the memories away with the braincells. I myself remember that glorious day, that or the day that I wish I could take away forever. Day one of UO. I knew jack shit about online gaming when Ultima had come out, it was something only heard about in what I had thought fictitious tall tales and sung in fabled song. I had the shittiest computer known to man, and didn't even meet the game requirements for installation. We're talkin neanderthal computer here folks. Kickin it with my 75 mhz processor, 2 meg video card, 16 RAM and 2 meg sound card. This beast shot out the crispiest of burnt toast-images on it's dark age-14 inch "Professional Technologies" monitor. I could play Pong with the best of them. **Note: This will later have an extremely terrible effect on my online gaming sex life. We'll get to that some other day.** I figured what the hell, the game sounds cool, might as well buy it, I can figure out somethin here and make it work. Pulled UO out of it's box, fit it snuggly into the speed demon 16 speed CD-Rom, and was off to the races. 6 hours later, a pack of Marlboro's later, and 3 extra strength tylenol later, I was still sittin there pissed at the world that I couldn't get this stupid fuckin game to work. Since I had already RTFM and it didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, IE, "Hey dumbshit, your computer sucks, you can't play this game, haha moron" I took a trip to owo.com and learned what a uo.cfg file was. This was the beginning of my computer file knowledge. It was here that I read, that I could alter numerous things to perhaps make the game work. This was a good thing. Basically, I turned everything in that well known uo.cfg to "ThisFuckinThing=off." Decided to give it a whirl, and sure enough, I was in, creating a character.

I Gave myself some cheesy name, and there I was, in Trinsic. I swear to god there 900 people all running around like crazed wolverines typing shit out in full caps runnin around confusin the hell out of me. It was at this time I decided to learn to walk. Being somewhat experienced in the older Ultima series games from countless hours of staying up far too late at my boy Spencer's house in high school (who would later be Draven in UO) it was not too funky of an interface. I got the walking down pretty well, noticed I was walking really friggin slow compared to the rest of the town of trinsic, but I walked nonetheless. Then out of nowhere I see some smoke and some leet lookin dude with a big fuckin sword thing just laid the complete smackdown on this chum in front of me muttering something about have at thee and the dude moaned. Well about this time I notice 899 of the 900 remaining people besides myself all of a sudden swarm toward this corpse in front of me, so I decided hey, wonder if I can take his shit. That'd be pretty cool. Click his body a few times and I see gold, so I swipe it. 523 gold, I remember it exactly. Hey this rocks nuts, this is far more than this little 100 I have already in my pack. So I set it down in my pack set to loot some more goodies. However, I was now trapped in a crowd of 898 others with my new fat wad of cash and I notice they seemed to have picked the poor bastard clean. It was ok though, at the time I figured 600 gold for all of my 1st 3 minutes of playing was good enough compensation.

I lagged around for a bit longer, finally stumbling across a store with a weapon on the sign. It was time to get a sword and go kill some shit. I noticed everyone else standing around him was just saying "hi buy" so possessing a quick mind it was then that I learned how to shop. I of course, not sparing any expenses, decided to buy the biggest most badass things on the menu. Figuring the highest price meant highest worth, I went with the viking sword. I believe it was somewhere around 157 gold or something. All set to try out my new piece of machinery, I tried to equip it. "You are not strong enough to equip this weapon," was the messaged I received. Well now, doesn't that blow a goat. Oh well, I'll just sell it back, I still got a bit more money. Decided this time to go with the leet lookin war mace. Knowing a bit about blunts I figured perhaps Mace-Fighting was the way to go. Sold back the sword for like a 3rd of what I spent, and attempted to equip my new 130 gold weapon of joy. Same friggin message. Well now, doesn't this suck. What kinda little panzy am I. I checked out my strength and I had 16, so surely that was worth something. Sold the mace back, a little frustrated, and decided to go for something with a little more finesse. A longsword. "You are not strong enough to equip this weapon." Well god damn, this sucks. I had just blown over half of my load and didn't even get to equip any of what I had bought. Frustrated, I sold back the sword and decided I would just stick to the dagger within my pack. Was time for armor shopping instead. It was at this time I received what was to become the first in an endless line of "Connection Lost" messages in the middle of my screen. Being fruitless in my efforts to log back in (having received that usual freezing up at "Connecting to Ultima Online") I decided it was time to just hit the sack and play some Daggerfall.

And so ended my first night of Ultima Online.

Join us later in the week for:

"Part Two : What in Hell Happened to the Character I Had Last Night / The Creation of Ronald McDonald"



The Midnight Mallet and Brutechopper

In Order to help my Shaman brothers, particularly those of the Troll and Ogre race, I figured I'd help you find a few items that EQLizer had wrong or no info for. I get a lot of questions lately in game about the Midnight Mallet I have, so here's what you need to do to get them. Find a troll NPC named "Lynuga" in Innothule Swamp, give her a hail and she'll inform you she loves rubies, yada yada and if you touch her rubies she'll kick your ass. Then go hit the Grobb Jeweler and purchase yourself a ruby (in the area of 130 - 175 platinum depending on Charisma). Find Lynuga again, hand her your brand new ruby and she'll hook you up with either the Midnight Mallet (Clerics and Shamans only, Dwarves, Ogres, Trolls, or Barbarians only, Magical Lore Item, 2 H Blunt, 14 dmg 44 delay mallet of whoopass. Also casts walking sleep 5 times per day) or the Brutechopper (Paladins, Warriors, SK's, and Rogues only, Same Races as Midnight Mallet. Magical Lore Item,2 H Slashing, 16 dmg 50 delay). Be sure not to attempt the quest again if you have one already, or you will receive squat. One cannot have more than one Lore Item in their possession. It is also rumored you receive some sort of earring from her on occassion, but I haven't received that yet.

Gay Dwarven Paladins

I recently made the mistake of interrupting a paladin initiation program while running through Runnyeye. I'll let you make your own assumptions. Luckily for me I survived the assault.

Those Cooky Programmers

While taking a midnight stroll through Lake Rathetear, Myself, Titus, and my son Bodkin happened across an interesting NPC by name of Prince Kermyt. He conned as a lower 30ish level dude, so promptly decided to take the opportunity of opening up a can on him. While normally it would be just another dead high level NPC by our hands, we took note of the fact that Mr. Kyrmt sounded exactly like a froglok and being the possessors of extremely intelligent minds, quickly put 3 and 2 together to realize we had just slain Kermit the Frog. You know, as in Kyrmt, Kermit - those crazy guys. Our faction even lowered with the Frogloks of Guk who are based 4 zones away. I found it interesting nonetheless. The NPC was human.

To those of you who play the game, you might know those loveable frogloks from terrific joy trains such as these. For those of you who don't play, the following picture basically equates to an absolute assbeating. Even the Warden came 4 miles up to help rip a llittle ass. And on another note, once again for those who do play, this picture equates to "Why one does not take a Dwarven Cleric into Guk." What you don't see in this picture, is the same number of little hoppy bastards up the ladder and out the hall. - Ron



Today marks the..

3 months and 14 day anniversary (tri-mentiversary?) of the night that I kicked the ever-living dogshit out of a dildo named Skid. Enclosed here we have a picture of the scene which depicts the poor sap lying, as you see, naked and deformed on the dirt floor. I would like to take this opportunity to make a few things clear on this glorious holiday regarding our Mr. Skidmark. As the photograph portrays, the corpse of the skidmark in the picture has a gray name. Taking a trip down memory lane it dawned on me that gray is the color, of aggressors. Now, in light of this, I want to ask you, the people, just who seems to be the moron in this instance. The person who attacked me, or the person that I so dishonorably gangbanged? Yet another shining example of sheer briliance on the part of UO Crybabies. Attack, get killed, cry about it. No unusual day of UO that I can remember. "Take my picture off of your murdererd List" he says. Ya, well, blow me. You put yourself there fat boy.



In EverQuest news, it seems that the voice of the players and paying customers has reached the heavens, as proven in last night's patch. The good ol' boys at Sony reduced the experience point loss due to death by 50%. Now in yet another astonishing non-Originlike maneuver, they even went so far as to fix and improve a good number of spells that have not worked or been very effective since day 1. Gee, that, after 2 years in UO, is a new one to me. One thing I like about EQ, no matter how bad it sucks or doesn't suck to anyone of you, is that they actually put time into fixing things that should work and haven't since the beginning, before implementing gay ass patches that no one even asked for that just ended up adding to the already long since day one list of things that were fucking worthless. Praise be to Allah. If that's how you spell his name.

In other groundbreaking news, Mike Tyson was released from prison 9 months early. How this effects or matters to anyone I have no idea.

THanks to my esteemed colleague Nighthawk, I was able to trace and solve the problem of the JoV messageboard button in the buttons menu. It now will point you to the correct messageboard. Maybe now I should put up the March and April archives, as if there is anything worth reading there. My lunchbreak is over. I will go now. Have a diet cream soda on me in our Skid-Day celebration. - Ron


5/20/99 ?

Stop Hurting my Feelings Guys.

Could people like Skin, Champ, and Goth just leave me alone on the Messageboard? I haven't been able to look in the mirror because of all the shame and self doubt I have built up inside of me after reading their posts. I have this UO page up, but I quit and am now a nobody and I cannot take it anymore. I should just take the page down and live in self doubt for the rest of my life, quit my life and work at the local Shell Station and ponder what I *could* have been in UO. Face it people, I am just a teen-age has been. I am not "cool." I have never killed anyone by myself in 2 years of the game. I have basically been living a humongous lie. The new Pioneers of the game are the real hardasses with their names on the top of the murder boards, all that money they put on their own head, who has the highest kill counts on a ticker that doesn't work accurately, who can avoid becoming red while having the highest dollar amount on a board, who can kill who with their thrice day macro'd character in one on one, who is 7 times GM, why people who PK miners are lamers, how purple llamas are cooler than the average energy vortex, how Willie Fred defeated the 6 way GM with his pitiful little melee fighter with a poisoned fencing weapon, haha Rocky Joe sucks, who killed so and so back in March of 98, which guild has the best lag wars, who has the most mules on their guild stones, who knows where to find mushrooms so they climb over counters, whoever knows how to put on plate after polymorphing into a white skinned frog while cursing themselves after casting an energy vortex on a vendor while paralyzed to get 5 more points of dexterity, who has the most weapons of vanquishing that hit for .6 damage, whosever 3rd party program is the coolest, how I died only to lag. how the only reason Rocky Joe defeated Willie Fred that day was due to his massive PL and that Rocky Joe had a T-67 connection and Willie had no mana, whoever can blade spirit the most liche lords to get that schnazzy way cool radical Lord Title, and whatever else I am blabbering about.

You know, one of the only things that has allowed me to sleep at night was the fact that on whatever day that was that I think I kileld Skid solo in whatever dungeon that was. Man I beat his poor little ass. I have been spamming it in EverQuest day in and day out, everyone's been giving me high fives, "Way to go Ron, you rock," I have just been getting all of the attention of late. But now Skid has to come along and rain on my Patty's Day Parade and make it clear to everyone that I am nothing but a phony. Especially with key evidence like this:

"Take my pic off your murdered list. you planned on making 1000 kills all by yourself."

Course I could always point him over to the February Archive where I clearly stated regarding the 1000 kills crap:

"Now of course, I would like to point out that between Myself, Cichlid, and Nighthawk, we can produce more dead people in less time than any 3 other murderers on any shard."

"You never had 1 kill on your own. you wouldnt have killed me if James Bond didnt dispel my ev and Grimace wasnt ebolting me for attacking you."

Yes now once again refer to February Archives regarding the kills list. Also be sure to check out all of the people in the picture, it is obvious that I stated I killed him with an honorable knights salute followed by a duel. As far as never killing anyone alone goes...well, you are an idiot. I know what I have done in UO, as do the people who played in the "good old days" of UO. My dick is smaller than yours either way. Er.

"in my whole uo time i never saw you kill anyone on your own"

He stated in one post, followed by :

"he played 2 years, i played 3 months and he couldnt kill me by himself. what does that tell you?"

That you rarely saw me play, being as the past 2 months of the 3 you played I have been playing EverQuest, and the previous 2 months to that, once again as shown in the April and March Archives, I played uh, jack shit?

"I saw you die in 3 ebolts by Exmetus' hand. That was just damn funny."

What's even funnier is that I have died about 500 more times to people in 2 Energy Bolts. I must be weak. Cmon, this is the guy who got his murderer killed, in his own house, by an Earth Elemental, died with his other murderer 2 times to Polar Bears at Nighthawk's house and at AlienA's house. It was obvious that Iwas nothing short of a hardass. I even had blue healers helping me with the polar bears and the earth elemental. They must suck too.

Cichild quit uo and followed you to eq , like a dog follows its master, just to heal you there because once again you cannot handle it by yourself. What next.... are you going to play quake(team fortress) and have cichild playing a medic by your side at all times?

And then this well, this is just a moronic statement. Because I mean, we all know that I have already been playing Team Fortress with a faithful healer at my side doing my bidding for the past year and a half. I said it earlier, I am nothing but a has-been. I am nothing without someone at my side helping me. I am just not as cool as the likes of Skid. I admit it. I think after reading these posts, I am going to take the "Ultimate UO PKer" lines off of my job resumes. They might find out how phony I really am too. - Ron



Ok ok, I am an addict. I said I was back, yet haven't updated in a while. I told you I was a slacker, and from now on just consider it part of the site disclaimer. I just hit 24th level on my Shaman, and I gotta say, life has just gotten a lot better. New spell levels mean tons of fun. If you don't play EQ, you can't relate. Last night I was just given a whole new arsenal of shitkicking spells, and well, it's fun to terrorize the little bastard critters that gave you so much trouble as an infantile ass sratching troll. After hitting 24th I promptly purchased my new spells, and gathered together every froglok tadpole in the land into one nice big group, laughed as they tried to nibble me as they did oh so not long ago, and basked in the light of self satisfaction watching all 46 of them die at one time to the new improved area effect spells. That beats leveling to me man. I think I'll take a 2 week break from all leveling activity and stick to my tadpole killing.

Going to take this time to share a couple interesting dead bodies I have come across. While in Guk ( [g00k] to us l33t players) the other day, a l33t player by name of Bodkin informed me that I must come to his side for a view of something most extraordinary when i was done getting my ass kicked by whatever it was that was kicking my ass. I have to say what he found was certainly worth the investigation. Perhaps the UO Game Masters need to take note of this picture. The way I see it, a picture of this magnitude could make Origin lose an abundance of players tenfold. It appears that in EverQuest growing facial hair is possible, even for the females. As the picture would indicate, our suspect is indeed a female and not a standup-pisser with just a gay name. We're in their world now. I can dig it. Allow me to share it with you.

This next kodak I have here is of a gruesome scene I came across once again in Guk. Now before you view the picture, I would like to point out a few things about Ogres in the wonderful land of Norrath. I am not sure that I have been to a single zone where I never came across at least one trail of dead ogre bodies. No one seems to die more, and in such funny ways, than those friggin Ogres. Ever seen an Ogre run before? To me that alone is worth the 50 bucks EverQuest costs. It is a sight that can be compared to no other. I take that back. Ever seen an ogre running, and then get shalacked from behind and die while in his jolly mid stride? That alone is worth the 50 bucks plus 2 months of game time and the 3 nuts I burst laughing when I am blessed with the oppurtunity of witnessing it 1st hand. Now knowing this, I would like to bring into play an Ogre by the name of Proctor. Now when you are in a dungeon and you see an Ogre walk in, you always need to make sure you stick around for awhile, because within the next 3 seconds to half-hour you will be seeing multiple corpses of that ogre, and if you are lucky -you get to be in the same room when he keels over, while running. When Proctor entered Guk, I knew he was destined for greatness that only the greatest Ogre adventurers could hope to relate to. As suspected, our hero Proctor made it into the opening room of Guk, which sports yes, you guessed it, a pair of the vicious froglok tads that used to haunt my nightmares. Within the default 3 seconds of entering our hero was felled by these ferocious beasts. Quite funny. I was there to witness it. 15 minutes later our hero strolls in undetered, to retrieve his battered body from gnashing tadpole teeth. I was there to witness it. Quite funny. This is what Ogres provide to Norrath. Works of Art.

Last but not least I am going to show a pic of myself, Khang, Glistener (off screen), and some elf in South Karana duking it out with a Treant. Just including this picture because I think it looks pretty damned cool. The April Archive I have not yet moved, I'll make it available tomorrow hopefully. Site revamp coming soon. - Ron



Long time no see.

I am now back for good from my McDonaldland vacation, so those of you whiners bitching about the lack of updates can shut your blathering pie-holes. I had to sow my EQ oats, and I have done exactly that. However, for most of you who frequent the site who are still the same old UO Addicts, the site wil be taking a turn that will not be in your best interests. I have been pondering exactly what was to be done with the site and what direction I wanted to take it in, and of course it will be going the same direction as EQ goes. If this bothers you, I guess I won't say that I don't care because I do somewhat, but I am not here nor is the messageboad here so you can bitch about it. Although to some of you anything regarding EQ life holds no interest whatsoever, but to some it does. So deal with it. I actually tried even while playing UO to make the site appeal to people even if they didn't play the same game the site was based upon, and I will try to do the same thing here with changes I have planned in the near future.

And what of those changes. I have taken a look at some of the big name EQ sites lately, the best one one being the site at www.gameznet.com/eq/ If any of you now big time EQ players have not taken a look at the site, I encourage you to do so. However, as informative that the site is, they fail to really get a lot of the details on things that actually mean something, and seem to rely on information sent to them by others. I am planning on doing something somewhat like they do, but based more upon my experiences and what I have encountered or accomplished first hand, and do so in a way that only I can muster. Entertaining yet informative. That's my goal. Once again, some of what I do might be absolutely boring to you, and some of it might not be.

Also let it be known that the messageboard is not an EQ Board, nor is at a UO Board, but rather just a messageboard. I have seen quite a few posts saying "shut up this is a UO messageboard" when I don't recall the board ever stating that. Post about anything you want for all I care, just don't be posting that same old friggin picture of the faggot's enflamed rectum. If Greybeard or I have to delete that same picture over and over again, I'll .......I dunno what I'll do, I can't really do anything but delete it over and over. To those of you who know what I am talking about, I am sure you'll agree. To those of you who have no clue what I am talking about, feel very privileged you don't have the nightmares that those of us who have accidentally stumbled onto that same post have.

I am sure the site change is going to be a gradual thing, as I am still thinking about how I want to lay things out. Just get off of my back, and get off of Nighthawk's back, and get off of Greybeard's back when you don't get an update that you have come 3 times a day for. Give us a little slack, because we are slackers. Nighthawk and I anyway. He being the biggest slacker I have decided. If we were to update everyday or even every 2 days, all of you who bitch about lack of updates would be telling us how lifeless we are that we update so much. You hurt our feelings. Slackers have feelings too. Never forget that.

Now in the most groundbreaking news, let it be known that I am not "Ronald McDonald" in EQ as they denied the name profusely.. Yet another reason I have not updated in awhile. I have been really upset about it, and I have had to seek a shrink to help me through my times of trouble. It's a trying time for you when someone tells you you cannot be all that you want to be. I have had some hard times, so be gentle with me. I now go by a different name, and thus the site might lose the inflated egotistical name of McDonaldland, as it would make no sense now.

Last but not least I would like to share this incredible moment of my EQ life, in Kodak form. Here we see me after pile driving a sand giant's head into the sandy beach with the help of some mage named Mortin. Revenge is so sweet. Now consider the score the Oasis Sand Giants 1247, The Loveable Red Shamans 1. - Ron




A more balanced EverQuest review.

A month into the game now, I think it's time I shed a little more light on EverQuest even though I know you don't care. But I have nothing to say really, so I'll just do that. I am going to start off by saying that I think EverQuest kicks all kinds of ass, far from the way UO kicked ass in the day, as those days are irreplacable, irreplaceable, however the hell you spell that word, but EverQuest I have come to realize has some serious drawbacks. I have to say from experience, that EverQuest is the singlemost frustrating game on the face of the planet when you are having a bad day in it. If you have yet to play the game, or are thinking about purchasing it, pretend there's a label in big red letters saying "Warning : If you are the type of person prone to chucking 20 pound dumbells into your Sony Trinitron, refrain from playing this game." It will make you foam at the mouth. Disregarding my note about comparing the 2 games, dying in UO is not near of a pure annoyance than it is dying in EQ. While the stat loss is not as quite severe as UO's torture to reds, it is certainly a pain in your ass. I am at 20th level now, and upon death I usually lose what I have gotten in 6 hours of my time. It can be quite a setback. Especially if you die 3 nights in a row. In the past week, if I was a wealthy citizen, I'd have gone through about 18 monitors I believe. And I am not a violent mouth foaming person in in real life.

However, aside from wanting to crush beer bottles over your head or break your hand punching the nearest wall upon death, when you are actually alive and well in EverQuest, the game is damned enjoyable. I recently have been hunting Evil Eyes for instance (Beholders to you D&D peops) with Cichlid and I have to say they are funnest AI in a game I have ever faced. There's nothing like being charmed by a big fucking eye, and watching helplessly as the thing remote controls you and plays with you like an abused child with many He-Men figures and a BB-gun. When you get charmed, it's basically a big joy ride for you. You are his playmate, and you do his bidding. So he generally either A) Unloads your mana upon the nearest hapless newbie (quite amusing, I usually light a smoke and reflect on the finer things in life whilst this is occurring) or B) Takes you back to Sardonicus's lair to let the Harley gang of Chasm Minotaurs use your head as a tether-ball, or C) Makes Cichlid kill you along with his other pet so that you can be sent back 430 zones minus 6 hours worth of experience so that you can make an hour and a half walk back to your mangled corpse while tossing around the idea of sending your aluminum Bombat crashing through your monitor and reflecting upon the fact that you should have gone to bed 2 hours ago and that you are tired as piss and you just let your cigarette burn out while typing "GOD DAMNIT" over and over while bitching that you hate this piece of shit game and that you wish you were never born and you realize it was your last smoke, your last few backwash drops of Coca Cola Classic are warm now, and you remember you didn't think to stop at the ATM before heading home from work so you realize you aren't going to get to have your normal average morning-just-out-of-the-shower smoke as well as the walk-to-work-after-buying-smokes that you ran out of the night before as you wake up 30 minutes late for work because you don't have any fucking money in your wallet. Anyway. EverQuest is a great game. Or something. I don't even know what day it is.Am I rambling? - Ron