My Track Record with OSI.

I'd say it looks pretty clean actually. Of all the warnings I have received, and the endless number of times I have been placed on the "warning list" only 3 of them were actually logged. Here's a copy of the E-Mail I received from Origin Account administrators last night. They actually brought back some good memories. Oh how I miss April of 98'. Notice that 3:39 AM for CB. They stayed up extra late all for me. So swell of them.

Account Name: yourmama
Date: 4/20/99
Character Name: Ronald McDonald

4/27/98 12:54:08 AM - Character: Ronald McDonald World: Baja
Player had hacked stats... not STR / INT / DEX but his HP = 154 MANA = 137 AND STAMINA = 142 - GM Ironwill

10/1/98 3:39:42 AM - Character: Crazy Bastard World: Baja
Player had hacked stats from 150 - 250 - GM Pist

2/12/99 6:33:04 PM - Character: Ronald Mcdonald World: Baja
Player paged asking for a goatee. I have warned him not to page on this issue again. If he pages on this issue on this shard or any other he fully understands that he will be removed from the game. He has also been warned of 3rd party use. - GM Clyde

4/19/99 10:54:50 PM - Character: Ronald McDonald World: Baja
Player paged asking to be banned. Said he used 3rd party programs. - GM Lint

At this time your account with Origin Systems has been permanently closed due to a violation of the Terms Of Service or the Rules and Regulations. Although we regret the closure of any account, we feel that the termination of your account is in the best interest of the service as a whole. Your account was closed for the following http://www.owo.com/conduct.html

While you are a member of the Ultima Online Service, you must abide by the following rules. IF YOU BREAK ANY OF THESE RULES, YOUR ULTIMA ONLINE ACCOUNT, AND YOUR RIGHT TO USE THE ULTIMA ONLINE SERVICE, MAY BE TERMINATED IMMEDIATELY BY ORIGIN SYSTEMS. IF THIS HAPPENS, YOU WILL NOT BE ENTITLED TO ANY REFUND OF ANY AMOUNTS PAID BY YOU TO USE THE ULTIMA ONLINE SERVICE AND YOU WILL FORFEIT ALL OF YOUR UNUSED ACCESS TIME. The rules are:

14) You will not attempt to interfere with, hack into, or decipher any transmissions to or from the servers running the Ultima Online Service.
15) You will not exploit any bug in the Ultima Online product or the Ultima Online Service to gain unfair advantage in the game and you will not communicate the existence of any such bug (either directly or through public posting) to any other user of the Ultima Online Service.

We consider this banning of your account to be permanent and irrevocable as agreed by you in the Terms of Service agreement.

Future mails concerning this issue will not be returned nor is this matter subject for review. All such reviews have been made and we are satisfied that appropriate action has been taken. Origin Systems considers this letter sufficient notification of your account termination, and considers any relationship with you terminated at this point.

Sincerely, UO Account Administrator.

4/18/99

Well I received over 300 stories to read, and after countless hours of headaches before night-night time from staring at my monitor and my outlook express box, our fine panel of judges and myself have come up with a winner. I'll take a moment to give a background on our man. This is a guy I happen to have known (and fought) many a time, dating back to the prehistoric era of UO. As an interesting History of Ronald McDonald note, our winner happens to be the first person to ever beat me in a one on one duel in my extremely too-long career in the game. He goes by the name of Darkarion. Anyway, here's the E-mail I received from him. Also included after his are a couple more I received that were definitely worthy of posting by Xander and Basterdly Goat. Read away, congrats Dark.

In thinking about writing a story about some singular "unique" UO experience, I came to the conclusion that there is precious little subject matter in this area. Instead, I wish to focus upon a grander scheme,..to look at the mundane things of Ultima Online that I've grown used to, and watched change over the period of nearly two years. In the beginning, as a strapping young newbie, going by the name of Darkarion, I fancied myself a lockpicker and chef (someone's gotta cook the chitlins.) Starting in Jhelom, the city of valor and dirty trollops, home of the whoring strumpet, and the place on my newly acquired UO cloth map where I prefer to wipe certain bodily unmentionables, I discovered quickly that it was, alas, a fucking island. Mildly frustrated after thirty minutes of nonstop running around the perimeter and randomly discovering the radar map, I quit Darkarion, and created a new character,..a female character (mostly to wear the associated leather outfits and hoping to find a whip to wield,) named "jasper," this time starting in Britain. Time passes, & I discover that the dungeon "covetous" is a damn fine place to acquire treasure, and that my unpatched version 8 client allows me to piss everyone off by moving the treasure room crates around, which those silly patched version 10 ninnies were unable to do. My first bug; mother would have been so proud,..mostly,..if she could speak a word of english perhaps. *sigh* I would like to say that this lead to a downward spiral collapsing into PKdom, relentless pursuit of witless and dumbfounded prey, badgering small farm animals, beating old people and stealing money from hapless first graders,..but nay,..nay I say. My stupid-used-to-be-a-frpg-fan self thought "I'll travel the straight and narrow,..." Little did I realize how the chicks would dig me once I became bad,...and dig me they did. Oh wait, those are't chicks,..those are acned-dateless-15-year-old social retards that admired my bald head (unlike Ronald, I fully embraced the propecia prescription) and semi-keen wit. That, and they thought they were hitting on a female character. Silly them. Well, Jasper died,..a lot,..so I deleted her, and started Darkarion up again, after succesfully navigating the blue oval thingy (which in my country we call moongates, comrade,) I began my trip into infamy. Darkarion developed into a fine 6 way GM as my only character for nearly the entire time. I began to appreciate things like a Grandmaster Mage only being able to summon hams,..which he chose to put on the ground, from which he would it the entire thing with intense ferocity, the ability to crossdress with true black dyed skirts, killing fully plate clad knights on horses with a single magic arrow spell, "Connection Lost," "You are entering Britannia," "You are dead," or "Hail," "Corp Por." Machine-gun fireballs, beating Ron one on one in a duel and trading his prized hammer pick back to him for a prepatch halberd of power, losing a prepatch halberd of power, having Ron beat me like a bald-headed step child in each follow-up encounter (until I joined the darkside, then of course, I had the force.) watching in helpless frustration as my tower was looted, looting my neighbors tower, lumberjacking, mad mad hellhound spawns, shit-talking-acned-dateless-15-yeard-old's who can't talk shit when all they can say is "OoOOOOoo," shit-talking-acned-dateless-15-yeard-old's who can't hear you cuss them out because all you can say is "OoOOOOoo," the fact that everyone in UO wears the same brand of underwear as me, jwilsons, when a dread lord was a dread lord, waiting in line for the lich spawns in Hythloth, dying when dread lords killed everyone in line for the lich spawns in Hythloth, the insane loot afforded by killing foreign UO players (the ones that travel in large packs and can't coordinate an attack,) the purple llama vortex of death, the way plate helms look like motorcycle helmets, the way bascinets look like a fat chick's ass, free death robes, two types of longsword where one is definitely more gay than the other, two types of counselors where one is definitely more gay than the other, dying red on an island based dungeon before vendors existed and no one would res a red, becoming a master chef without ever cooking a fucking thing (does this work with magery?). This game is pretty damn dynamic,...everything changes. Some of these things are still in UO,..some are long gone,..but, if anything,..I miss the ham the most. -Darkarion

This next story struck me as funny, so I have to post it. It was submitted by Bastardly Goat. If this is a true story, Lord help us.

My story begins's one saturday morning ,where my brother was playing uo and got a bad hanker'in for a poopen so he yelled to me to watch his guy ( he was in the orc fort at cove ). well as he ran to the bathroom i sat at the computer desk and look around at his guy then a man named Aborted Fetuce came up , i thought nothing of him and began to hide my self but then he attacked me so i yelled to my brother that a man was attacking him and he ran out of the bathroom with shit all over his ass.he was shouting for me to run but by the time i began to run i died .my brother then noticed a trail of shit leading to the computer so he felt pretty damn stupid and ran back to the bathroom to clean himself up as i went to get resurected. the point of this story is to tell about my brother's shit and about the killing of my brother by a man named Aborted Fetuce. Thank you .. - Basterdly Goat

Last but not least we have this story from Xander, which certainly brought back some memories of the olden days. Long live the Boobs. (.)(.)

*Note...this tale takes place during the Dread Age on the Baja shard*

For most of my UO career I had been dastardly. Whenever I managed to work myself up to neutral, some mistargetted spell or Magic Reflect bug served to beat me back down. Finally I just decided to fuck it and knock people down instead of me. And I went Dread. I had been PKing for some months. Sometimes with the Warlocks, sometimes with the Lords of Death, sometimes with Ron's own guild the L.A.P.D., and sometimes with Pearl, Baja's most famous Drag Queen. One day I got a message that I had been bountied. Now I had just reached Grandmastery of Four different skills on my Dread, and did not want to lose them (hey, stuff like that mattered to me back then). Also, the new reputation system was due within the next couple of weeks (at the time I did not know it would still be months before it ever came to pass). So I figured, what better time to go blue? I could macro to Great Lord, get a stupid shield, ditch the bounty, and be all prepped for the new system. Besides, I'd never been a Great Lord before. The novelty of it all intrigued me. And I had three more characters I could take Dread. So one week later I'm blue. The Great Lord Xander. Walking around proud with one of each Virtue Shield. But of course PKing was still in my blood. I was still going out with the gang at night, this time putting to use my magery at Energy Vortexes, Energy Fields, and Gates for the dead dreads. It was after one such excursion. I was in front of the LoD keep, dispensing reagants so everyone could recall to their homes and resuit. One such dread, one Lord goody, happened to have his house in front of this keep. No, Lord goody was not renowned for his intellect, as the keep was a favorite spot for Antis to recall in and fight. So goody was in front of his house, in front of the keep, getting his key off of his vendor. He had just rezzed, had nothing on him. Enter Artemus. Now let me give some real quick background for the non Baja folk. Artemus was part of a group of people known as the Boob Guild. These guys ran around in lime green robes in their ultimate quest to be an asshole. And at this they excelled. Ronald McDonald, Nighthawk...all these people were saints compared to the Boobs. The Boobs were the only people to have both Antis and Dreads alike despise them. Anyway, goody is at his house, getting his key from his vendor. Artemus is there, goody sees him, but continues getting his key. I said before, he was not known for smarts. One fireball, and goody bites the dust. Knowing he had his key on him, I run to grab it. But goody seemed to be amassing a collection. He had a death robe on him for every time he had died that night (which was quite a lot). So Artemus and I are struggling to move the robes, be the first to find the key. Artemus got it first. Now unlike goody, Art was known for his intellect. So as soon as he grabs the key, he recalls away. And barely 10 seconds later, after I send out the first S.O.S. icq, he comes back. With the Boobs. Three green boogers and Artemus. The first of the LoD recalls back, ready to resume pking. All unknowing what is going on. He quickly dies. After unlocking the door, the Boobs and Arty enter. I quickly follow. Now I had been in the house before. I knew where things were. And I knew that reagants were the important thing to save. So I grab them all, placing them in a dresser. But of course there was weight limits. I could not set the dresser in my pack, or it would go back down on the ground. Nor could I set it down and cast a gate, because they'd grab it. So while I am figuring out what to do, the Boobs, ever efficient, had an entire gate system going. Within 2 minutes, the house was cleaned out. Except for the dresser I had on me. At some point, goody must have ICQd for help, because LoD started recalling in, primed to fight. Problem was, the door was locked. They would need me to let them in. But there was no way I could cross the room, holding the dresser, and open the door. It was just too heavy. So the Boobs and I had a stare down. They weren't ready to attack me, because part of their entire gimmick was being blue. So I decided to attack them. My plan was, to set down the dresser. Then I'd pull out my war ax of power (pre-patch) and unleash on them. It was a small house, and all these guys had heavy crossbows. Boobs had always relied on being able to stay out of melee range, but in these close quarters, they'd be unable too. Meanwhile, I'd work across the room, open the door, and let the calvary in. But wait! I was a Great Lord! Glad I remembered this, I disarmed my shield and attacked. As my own death cry resonated through my room, I realized that I should have set the shield down on the ground itself. Stunned, wanting to believe that the Boobs had performed some sort of exploit, but knowing that it was really my own fault, I watched helpless as they laughed, looted me, and gated out the dresser. I, who hardly ever died as a PK, had died. On top of all that, it turned out that macroing to Great Lord had no effect on the bounty, as I also lose about 10 points off of all my skills. All in all, it was a really shitty day. - Xander

That's all for the update tonight, have an assload to finish up as well as play out my final night in this god-forsaken game. Prior to this update Nighthawk and I as Crazy Bastard, picked up maybe 15 kills in our hour of fun. Now I gotta get back to it. - Ron

4/16/99

The Contest for all of our UO Possessions.

If you had one thing you have done in your UO Career, be it a mistake, a bad case of diahrrea, a shitty blow job, PK'd without drinking your usual cup of coffee prior to going out, your mother died and you missed her funeral because you had to get resd to make it to help a friend of yours who was dead in Deceit, an embarassing moment, a duel with Legolos you lost, anything, that you could go back and blot from existence, what would it be and why.

The most creative story wins all of mine and Cichlid's possessions on the Baja Shard and I will post the story here Sunday Night.

Submit your stories HERE - Ron

4/16/99

Well the time has arrived, the last weekend of Ronald McDonald in UO World. I will have the contest deal whatever it may be up by midnight tonight, and it will run until Sunday morning, and the things that I do not give to my friends will be given out Sunday night as well. If all goes according to plan I will be out PKing with my wtfmen brothers with Ron the expert stoic, and when he kicks off Crazy Bastard (my other character) will be out destroying or being destroyed as well, and then my life will end in a banning fashion that only I am capable of.

I have gotten a lot of E-Mails and ICQs about buying my account. Due to this, I have decided that the easiest way to go about selling it will be as follows : to those of you who E-Mailed me or ICQd me about it, send a check or money order made out to Jason Nadler at the address given when you search registration for www.wtfman.com. Whoever sends me the most money will get it, and I will let you know after all cash is received and deposited into my checking account who the lucky winner of 2 wonderfully trashed characters in a wonderfully trashed game is. Be sure to jump right on this offer folks, it is for a limited time only. Order now and I will throw in a pair of wonderful cookie cutters FREE. But that's not all, to the senders of money orders received by midnight tonight, I will throw in a free not sold in stores swiss army waist pouch and matching camouflage shoestrings.

Once again, The Win the McDonalds' Shit contest will be up by 12 midnight PST. If interested in much Baja shit, check back in later. - Ron

4/13/99

Ya ya so I haven't updated in awhile. So I am a helpless EverQuest addict and cannot seem to pull myself away from it. Don't look so frightened, as It's just a passing phase, (one of my bad daaayyyy[s]). Would you like to watch TV? or get between the sheets, or would you prefer me get on with the update. I have the first 200 frames on the newest movie done, and it is going to knock your cocks off and prove to you that I am not like other girls. It is more or less a JoV intro, so you might find it on Night's site rather than here. Either way it will only be featured at wtfman. Bear with me chodes, stop complaining about the lack of updates, I will be back updating regularly at some point here in the near future. I am not rushing to get the flick put out, so I am not giving you a set date for it, just know that it will be here soon enough.

The Contest for all of our shit I will have out by this weekend, as the 20th is my last day of paid UO. Stay tuned for that.

While hanging out in the desert of Ro, I took some time off of the constant heaving of the warhammer and the crackle of my mad kung fu magic to ponder the finer aspects of my new online world.

This is why I am addicted to EQ folks. Beautiful blocky pixelated polygons.

Then of course upon the halfling crew losing a friend to this derv''s blade I was scolded by everyone for standing there dumbfounded. I of course then showed them how much I gave a shit. No really. I felt bad.

Well that's all of the pointless photography I have for you today, now I best get back to the office. Once again, bear with my not being here much lately, allow me time to get bunrt out of playing EQ. It will happen. I will learn moderation in due time just as I did with UO. -Ron

4/9/99

Hanging with the Big Boys

Now it is important to understand that in EverQuest, a Troll is no small being. Let it also be known that I am a Troll. I consider myself a large man. Perhaps a little stupid, but still very large. Trolls possess huge hands (to compensate for what we find ourselves holding within it with regularity), huge asses (which don't compensate for a damn thing so shut your hole), big ears, gargantuan noses,and huge heads. We are not petite like the average EverQuest race. To give you an example of our large size, I have enclosed a picture of myself next to a poor little drow in my home town's bank. Note the large hands which I told you about, the large ass, everything, precisely as I mentioned it.

Now, due to my large size, and the large pole I haul around with me, and me being well, 13th level, I decided it was time to strike out and search the world for small people to pick on. I have grown tired of the typical tadpole, and would take a brief break from my life's quest of ridding Norrath of all of the evil slimy froggie cocksuckers. It was time to do some sight-seeing. Unfortunately not everything goes as planned, but rather ends up being a shitty time. The saying nothing ventured nothing gained is a crock, because I ventured, and I didn't gain a got-damned thing.

So I pass through the Jungle the Ogres call home, also know as "The Feerrot" in our world, and enter the Mountains of Rathe. Clever name huh. I walk down this huge valley a good ways, I see an opening up over a ledge into what looks like a huge plain. I decide I want to go that way, because I have heard of there being some kind of Human guard patrol or something in the pass, so I didn't want to get hit for 90 damage 4 times to end my glorious safari. So there I am, standing on what feels like a mountain. I see a blue sky which is nice, I am used to this foggy green nastiness in the swamp so it was a pleasant change. So I find a steady decline down the grass on the edge of the mountain when I hear some thuds. I suddenly appreciate my big Troll ears and my new Diamond MX300 sound card. Sounded neat. Thuds. Almost like something walking. Well I figure that I am the only big man around these parts, but I decide to turn around and see what's up. I see this tiny figure up above me, so I click on it and I'll be damned, it's a Hill Giant. Looked awfully small to me to be a Hill Giant. He looked as if he was taking a piss off of the ledge, and me always having a keen eye for nature in action decided it was time for closer observation and a few quick polaroids and I'd be on my way. I always have a spell called Spirit of the Wolf cast on myself at all times which allows me to run faster than practically anything harmful in the game to preserve my testes, so a few quick snapshots would be no bother. So I head up that way and while do so note that the thuds were thudding at an increased rythym. So now the thuds seem AWFULLY close, but the "Hill Giant" to me just appeared to be a little shrimp. I steady my camera hand and he grunts and starts crashing my way. Even now upon looking at the picture think that thing didn't look big enough to handle my mass size, so I flexed for him as he grunted again at me. He shouted a battle cry and then I realized he was indeed coming directly my way. Was time to make haste and taunt him like I do all of my clients. Besides, he couldn't cath me, I had the spirit of the Wolf. Haha, fucker.

Now I did mention earlier that Trolls were not the most brilliant of races. Perhaps at the time it never dawned on me that Hill Giants as they are called had a fairly large stride. I took a brief glimpse back and held my 2 handed war hammer in my other hand and just threw the hand holding my camera over my shoulder for another photo of the poor bastards face as I left him in the dust with my mad kung fu-Wolf running Skills. This was taken at the exact moment I felt my head fall off of my shoulders and the camera ripped from my hands.

Apparently Hill Giants have a sense of humor. I never recalled taking this picture.

I have decided to put my sightseeing tour of Norrath on hold for maybe another 23 levels or so.

In other happenings, I cleaned out this main page as I realized it was taking a coon's age to load. I have not added a button for March's archive in the menu at this point in time, so if you want to view it click Here until I add it. If I can peel myself away from EverQuest for 12 hours or so, I have a new movie halfway made and will possibly throw it up by Sunday. No guarantee. - Ron

4/6/99

Just a shining example of Customer Support : A guy I have met via EverQuest who goes by the name of Mysticus had a bit of misfortune yesterday while playing. The corpse disappearing bug seemed to have gotten the best of him. I am not sure how many of you know what it is like to lose a weapon and armor in EverQuest, but it is not a fun thing. So he pages a GM, and what does the GM do? If you answered "sorry, I cannot help you" then you are quite incorrect. The GM gives the guy a full suit of newbie-ized Leather armor and a newbie-ized magical rapier (for you EverQuesters, the rapier was 5 dmg - but with 23 delay. Hits with the speed of a dagger) to compensate for his Inconvenience. Now, to you NeverQuesters, this is about a 75k value in UO Money terms, plus the newbied properties. Makes me want to rush out and lose my things right away.

In my 3 other experiences with EverQuest GMs, I have been responded to with decent timing and excellent support. These people listen to you, and they answer your questions. I hope for you UO'ers sakes, that the Ultima Game Masters play EQ for a bit and learn a lesson from them. They actually seem to care about the game and the bugs and flaws within it.

Moving on the UO things, This disposal of Cich and I's belongings will be deicded by this weekend. I know at this point that we are giving a house and most of our gold stash to the Newbie of Newbies we know, who will be in the game for a long time to come, and who would appreciate it more than most. As for the rest of it, we will be giving many things to close friends, and then what's left will be given away in the contest to be announced this weekend. I can go ahead and tell you that the contest will be for 50 Force weapons and 30 power weapons and much much more. These items are all on Baja. Also for any of you on Sonoma, CIchlid will be rewarding a house deed and money from characters on your shard. For those of you on Napa, I made a fisherman there in 1997, and I still have in my possession about 250 fish from macroing back then. So those can be yours. And you only get them right here - at McDonaldland.

Last but not least, to answer the question most commonly asked, we play on the Innoruuk server in EQ. So stop asking. I would imagine we will be creating characters on the PvP shard at some point, but for now I am sticking to Innoruuk as our characters are becoming what is to be known as badass. -Ron

4/5/99

I am officially addicted to Everquest. Sorry for the lack of updates, but I am into the whole fatass troll shaman thing I got kickin. My mom e-mailed me an Easter card, so I will share it with you as part of my wish for a happy freaky sex Easter, and I hope your teeth all rot out. I didn't get an Easter basket, and I am pretty upset. I think the Easter Bunny got gang raped hopping down Martin Luther King Drive here in downtown Oakland in the late 70's, so I am pretty upset about it all. I don't think they dig on White bunnies. Or he was too busy at the filming of this pic somewhere in Africa. It's a damn shame what they did to him.

I would also like to take this time to give thanks to Zander, retired host of the Warcouncil, for hooking us 3 here at WTFman up with 75 more megs of web space, as we are soon to run out of the space provided our webhost. So, Zander, this Bud's For You. This allows me much more room to include more pointless pictures of perversion similar to a bunny ramrodding a hen. Plus if I ever get off of my ass and stop having so much fun, I could make a few more movies. WIll throw up another update at lunch break tomorrow regarding a few upcoming things. It's late, and I need to hit the sack. Get Everquest folks. - Ron

4/2/99

Woohoo, scored one for the home team. Kill number one and counting. I feel like such a badass. At this rate I'll be at 20 kills by late December. This guy was pretty funny, as you see his name is red, indicating he is a pvper. When waxed him he messaged me and told me I was an asshole. I guess some things never change no matter what game you are in. Later however I was informed it is not a smart idea to kill those of your own race. Having your home town dislike you is something supposedly bad for your health in EverQuest. As I said, some things never change no matter what game you are in. The of course had to show you the new looks for the dynamic McDonaldland duo. Now tell me I don't have a nice ass. - Ron

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